


In Bloom

by SplashofMagicX



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Lim Changkyun | I.M, Lim Changkyun | I.M-centric, Pre-debut, Sad Lim Changkyun | I.M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-01-28 22:13:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12616700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SplashofMagicX/pseuds/SplashofMagicX
Summary: The years of hard work and heartbreak finally came to fruition for Changkyun when he earned his spot in Monsta X. Unfortunately, the group’s journey toward debut isn’t as smooth-sailing as he had hoped. Changkyun struggles to find acceptance from his bandmates and from the hostile trainees who seem determined to spoil his success.





	1. Chapter One

The uncomfortable silence in their dorm room was broken by the familiar chimes of Changkyun’s ringtone—the one he had chosen for his mother’s phone number. He lurched forward from his slouch against the wooden headboard to grab the phone and silence the ringing before it annoyed Kihyun. The other guys had all chosen to relax in the living room, but Changkyun had been chased away by their less-than-welcoming attitudes. Of course, he had been greeted with a similar blank stare upon stepping foot into the room he shared with Minhyuk, Kihyun, and Jooheon.

Despite his attempt to keep from annoying the older man, he noticed Kihyun’s irritated glance when he peeked at him out of the corner of his eye. He winced slightly as he stood, phone gripped tightly in his hands and heart pounding, and made his way out of the room.

There was really nowhere private inside the dorm, unless he wanted to speak to his mother in the bathroom. Changkyun answered the phone with a quiet, “Hey, mom? Hang on a second,” before hurrying past the living room without meeting the gaze of his bandmates, not that they seemed to notice him much anyway.

After making his way across the kitchen and sliding the glass door open, he stepped onto the stairs and closed the curtain and the door quietly yet firmly behind him. He wouldn’t hear the end of it if his bandmates were forced to listen to his conversation through a partially open door, and he didn’t want anyone to see him through the glass.

“Changkyun?” he heard his mother call out from the phone pressed to his ear. The familiar warmth in her voice hit him like a physical blow to the chest. When was the last time anyone had spoken to him so kindly?

Changkyun took a step down into the grass and sat gently on the concrete stairs. “Ah, yeah, I’m here,” he assured her quietly. His bandmates were already annoyed by his mere presence, no matter how quiet he tried to be, so he didn’t want to irritate them further by speaking loudly on the phone.

“Well, how have you been? We haven’t heard from you much since you won…” Her voice trailed off, a gentle reminder for him to call her more often. She was right, he thought as he leaned his head back and looked up into the blue sky that spread across his vision. Changkyun had barely spoken to his parents since informing them of the results of No.Mercy. He had been so excited at the time, full of adrenaline from the win and of the naïve hope that his new bandmates would move past their initial dislike for him, the one who had stolen their friend’s place at their side. He felt the band around his heart tighten.  

He blinked rapidly, hoping he could keep back the prickling at the corners of his eyes just long enough to make it through the phone call, and took a quiet, calming breath. “I know, mom. I’m sorry. We’ve been so busy with practices and meetings and recording sessions, and everything else to get ready for debut, that we haven’t really had much time to ourselves.” While that wasn’t technically a lie, Changkyun had also been afraid of this exact situation—him holding back tears upon hearing his mother’s comforting voice. “I’ll try to be better about calling,” he promised her past the lump in his throat. Just hold it in a little while longer, he reminded himself, trying and failing to ignore the pain in his chest.

He should have known that he could never fool his mother though. “Changkyun…what’s wrong?” Her questioning voice, so gentle and warm, had exactly the effect he had been afraid of.

He took a deep, shuddering breath and rolled his eyes skyward in a vain attempt to stop the stinging in his eyes. “Nothing, mom,” he attempted to reassure her. The shaking in his voice was audible even to his own ears, and he could feel the lump in his throat choking him and bringing forth the tears, unbidden. “I’m—” fine, he meant to say. But his words were blocked by the lump and only a strangled noise made it past his lips. The burning in his eyes became stronger, and he could feel the heat in his face as the tears welled up, not quite spilling over yet.

“Changkyun, you know you can tell me when something’s bothering you,” his mom prodded gently. “And I can _tell_ when something’s bothering you. So why don’t you just tell me what’s going on?” The familiar welcoming tone in her voice was too much, and he couldn’t hold back the sob that escaped him, though he stifled it by placing his fist against his mouth. Once one sob broke free, others leapt forth easily.

Changkyun raised his feet to rest on the step he sat on, folding forward to place his forehead on his knees. His tears smeared on the material of his sweatpants, creating an uncomfortable damp feeling on the skin beneath. Still, he kept his phone pressed tightly against his ear with one hand while the other wrapped around his legs, squeezing himself into a tighter ball.

His mother’s concerned voice called his name through the phone, but he couldn’t stop the tears and sobs long enough to respond to her. His breaths were coming in gasping heaves now, finally free. Changkyun had been holding back the tears and bitter feelings for the entire month he had been here at the dorm with the rest of Monsta X, never able to feel alone enough to let loose without them noticing. They wouldn’t dare interrupt a phone call though, on the off chance that it was something important. He was certain they wouldn’t be able to hear his cries from their place in the living room, not muffled as they were by his curled up position.

Finally, his mother fell silent, perhaps realizing that Changkyun was actually incapable of communicating at the moment. But she would stay on the line, he knew. After what seemed to him to be a few minutes, the tears slowed and he was able to draw in a few shuddering breaths again. He sniffed as liquid began running from his nose, and he used his long sweater sleeves to wipe at the tears that continued to slide down his face. After one last deep breath, he had pulled himself together enough to actually communicate.

“I’m s-sorry, mom,” he gasped out, his voice still a little unsteady. “I-I just—everything is getting to be too much, and I-I don’t know how much longer I can handle this.” As he spoke a few more tears overflowed and ran down his cheeks, but he kept his breathing in check, determined not to lose control again.

“Changkyun, what’s going on?” He knew there was no getting out of it, not now that she’d been witness to his breakdown. No excuses could cut it now. Besides, he needed to get it out there—needed someone to just listen to him and pay attention to what he had to say.

“They hate me, mom. My bandmates… They hate me,” he told her quietly, voice still slightly muffled by his knees. “I entered No.Mercy late, and because of me, their friend was eliminated. They were all so excited to work together…until I showed up.” He continued before his mother could interrupt. He had to get it all out. “I didn’t want Gunhee to be eliminated! It’s not like I wanted to take the spot from anyone else. But I had to try because that was my last chance.” He closed his eyes, but that didn’t stop the tears from slipping through and falling against his pants.

He heard her quiet “I know, honey,” before he plowed on.

“If I didn’t debut soon, I don’t know how long they would keep me around. I already had one failed attempt at debuting, and if I didn’t make it into Monsta X, years of training would have been wasted.” Starship wouldn’t have kept him around forever, especially considering that he had transferred from another company. That was why he had been so happy at being voted into Monsta X. They wouldn’t fail to debut like Nu’Bility had, they couldn’t.

“You _deserve_ to be in that group, Changkyun. You were chosen to be there because of your skills. Training you could _never_ be a waste, and I’m not just saying that because I’m your mother.” The sincerity in her voice was impossible to mistake, and he sighed in relief that at least one person believed in him, even if it was his own mother.

“Thanks, mom… It’s just…” Changkyun leaned back and allowed his head to rest against the glass door. “I’m so lonely here. None of them will even talk to me except to tell me what I’m doing wrong. And it’s not like we have much free time to meet other people, so if they’re not my friends, I have _no one_ …” He frowned and took a deep breath. “It’s been almost a month, and I can’t see an end to this.”

That crushing loneliness had been having an effect on his performance in practices too. He could only hope that his exclusion from the group hadn’t been painfully obvious during the meetings they had had with the managers and executives. Swallowing past the shrinking lump in his throat, he continued speaking. “The thing is…I can understand their anger. They were all set to debut together, and I ruined it for them. They didn’t ask to be stuck with me, and of course they would choose their friend over a stranger. I wouldn’t expect anything less. I get it! But…” He trailed off, not quite sure how to express his chaotic emotions.

“But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.” His mother always knew how to put into words what he could not. “I understand, honey. I know it must be hard for them, but it’s also hard for you, and they’re not taking that into consideration. But, Changkyun, they’ll come around. I’m sure of it. They can only stay mad for so long, and eventually, they _will_ understand how they’ve been acting.” As he listened, he began picking at the seam of his sweatpants.

He could only hope she was right because it was getting hard to stay optimistic in the face of all the anger that was being thrown his way—and not just by his own bandmates. His mother didn’t need to know about the way he was being treated by the trainees though.

“Don’t let those boys push you out of that group. You belong there, even if they don’t realize it yet. Stay strong, Changkyun. I know you can do it.” He could practically _hear_ his mother’s smile in her tone and encouraging words. Closing his eyes to visualize her face, he realized that the last time he had seen her was some time before No.Mercy, a few months ago now.

Before responding, Changkyun took a deep breath and felt the pressure on his heart and lungs loosen a bit. “You always know what to say,” he told his mom with a quiet, choked laugh and a sniffle. “Thank you, mom.” Although he hadn’t shared everything with her, she had still reassured him to an extent and helped him regain control of his emotions. As always, she was right.

Even if he wasn’t able to become their friend, even if they would barely speak to him outside of the watchful spotlight, he would keep fighting to show that he deserved his spot in Monsta X. To do that, he was just going to have to work harder than ever: go into the studio earlier, practice later, and show the rest of his bandmates that he was willing to do whatever it took to get better. “I should probably go soon, mom. It’s getting late,” he told her, just noticing himself that the sky had darkened considerably since they had begun talking.

They said their goodbyes, his mother reminding him that she loved him and Changkyun responding in kind before they both hung up. Immediately, he held up his phone to look at his face in the camera, sure he would never be able to hide the evidence of his tears. Even though it was dark outside now, he could still see the red puffiness of his skin and the redness in the whites of his eyes through his phone’s camera.

Sighing and lifting his eyes to the sky, he resolved to hide his face as well as he could on his way to the bathroom—he could wash his face there and hopefully make the redness a little bit less noticeable. Upon untangling himself and standing, Changkyun took a deep breath before turning to slide the glass door open quietly. As soon as he entered the kitchen, he could hear the others talking in the living room but could only see the backs of Hyunwoo and Minhyuk. They had probably moved closer to the TV in order to join the game they had all started playing before he had gone outside.

Changkyun bit his lip as he stood in the kitchen, hoping he would be able to make it past the group without any questions about his appearance. Well, it wasn’t like he could just stay in the kitchen all night, so he forced himself to take the few steps toward the living room before turning abruptly upon reaching the hallway. He silently passed through the open area between the hallway and living room, brushing at his bangs in what he hoped would seem like a casual movement rather than an attempt to hide his eyes. Without looking at anyone, he travelled down the hallway and around the corner toward their shared bathroom.

Once he had locked himself inside, he looked at his rumpled appearance in the mirror—damp spots on the knees of his sweat pants, tear tracks on his cheeks, blotchy red skin around his eyes. With a sigh, he washed his face a few times in cold water and scrubbed, hoping it would just look like he had rubbed his skin a little too vigorously if anyone happened to look him in the face.

After exiting the bathroom and shutting the door with a slight snap behind him, Changkyun made his way toward his shared room, hoping Kihyun was occupied enough that he wouldn’t look at him when he entered. It seemed to him that his wishes had been granted when he lightly pushed the door open to see Kihyun laying down and facing the wall.

His gaze slid over the window and settled on his own bed before swinging back to the window, which was not only open, but also only feet from the glass kitchen door. His breath caught in his throat, eyes widened in realization, feet stumbled on the hardwood flooring. Shit.

Maybe Kihyun had just opened the window now. His eyes travelled back to his roommate—who was now staring straight at him with a grim look on his face. Double shit. Kihyun was definitely pissed that Changkyun had been complaining about him and the rest of their bandmates to his mom. When he thought about it, it _did_ seem a bit childish. Kihyun was definitely going to tell the others. He stumbled back a step. He needed out. He needed to think.

Kihyun must have realized his intentions and the unease in his expression, because he sat up slowly and said, “Changkyun, come sit down,” as he patted the spot next to him on the bed. Changkyun swallowed nervously and shuffled closer, his heart pounding. Maybe he could get Kihyun to keep this between them. He could explain it away or just beg the other not to say anything.

By the time he reached Kihyun’s bed, Changkyun couldn’t even look him in the face anymore, scared of what he would see. Out of options, he sat down next to his bandmate anyway.

“Changkyun,” Kihyun began before pausing for a moment. “To be honest, I was so pissed at you for coming into the competition so late only to beat out our friends. We all were.” Changkyun pulled his left leg up and wrapped his arms around it while nodding. He knew all of this. Both before and after No.Mercy, the others had made it quite clear that he wasn’t welcome. “You’re right that we had planned it all out before you entered the competition—we were going to debut, _with_ Gunhee. So yeah, we were pissed.”

Changkyun buried his face in his knee once again, his heart pounding faster with each sentence that spilled from Kihyun’s mouth. He really didn’t need to hear his bandmates’ feelings directly.

The other man sighed deeply. “But we shouldn’t have taken our frustration out on you.” Changkyun’s head whipped up toward Kihyun, not quite believing what he had just heard, but the older man wouldn’t meet his eyes. “We should have…acted like adults instead of being children and ignoring you.” Finally, Kihyun met his eyes, and Changkyun could see the regret written in his furrowed brows and downturned lips. “As much as I miss the others, you’re a part of Monsta X,” he said, unknowingly echoing Changkyun’s mother’s earlier words, “and we’re supposed to be a team. We’re supposed to support each other.” Changkyun could feel the tell-tale prickling behind his eyes, and he scrubbed at them with his sweater sleeve.

Kihyun reached forward and took Changkyun’s hands in his own. Surprise caused him to look at the older man’s face. “Changkyun, I’m sorry I never thought about how this must have been affecting you. I’m sorry we didn’t even acknowledge your talents the entire time you’ve been practicing with us. I’m sorry we were such assholes and that you’ve been suffering alone.” The image of Kihyun’s earnest expression blurred as the burning in his eyes grew stronger. Hadn’t he had enough tears for the day? “Please don’t cry,” Kihyun pleaded quietly, shaking Changkyun’s hands gently.

He laughed wetly, tears once again rolling down his cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he whined and began wiping his tears on his sweater, the fibers soaking up the saltwater like a sponge.

“Don’t apologize,” the other scolded gently. “I’m the one trying to apologize.” What a turn of events this had been. Changkyun nodded, covering his face with his sleeves when he realized the tears weren’t stopping. At least he wasn’t sobbing like he had been earlier. He guessed that it was because these were tears of relief or happiness.

He felt the bed dip right next to him before he was enveloped in warmth. Being hugged by Kihyun shocked him enough that his tears slowed, and he looked up at the older man in wonder. Kihyun released him but gave him a blinding smile in return. Was this even real? Was Kihyun _actually_ , sincerely apologizing to him?

“I think we should go talk to the others,” Kihyun suggested quietly. Changkyun jerked away from him. Maybe he was still angry at Changkyun—why else would he suggest such a thing?

 “W-what?” His heart resumed its previous strained pounding against his ribcage. “No!” There was no way he was telling the rest of his bandmates about this.

Kihyun looked shocked. “What? Why not?” As if the reason wasn’t obvious!

“You think they’re going to respect me if I tell them that I didn’t mean for their friend to get eliminated? They don’t care!” Changkyun knew his eyes were wide and panicked, and he was attempting to keep his voice down so the others wouldn’t hear him. “Kihyun, I’m so happy you’re talking to me—you have no idea how happy, _really_ —but you overheard a private phone call. Th-the context is a lot different than me going to them and telling them directly.” There’s no way they would change their mind about him from hearing him tell them the same things Kihyun had overheard. He was sure they would only see it as an example of him being too weak and sensitive.

“Well, what if _I_ talked to them?” Kihyun suggested. “Then they wouldn’t be hearing anything from you directly, and I’m sure I could convince them.” No, no, no. This couldn’t be happening.

“To be honest, that might be even worse,” Changkyun muttered with a wince. It would just sound like he was complaining about them behind their backs, which, he supposed, would be accurate to an extent. “Just—please don’t say anything, Kihyun.” He looked up into the older man’s eyes. “I’m begging you not to say anything to them.” That would be the end of any chance he could have possibly had.

“But then nothing’s going to get better, Changkyun.” He frowned gently at the younger man. Was he actually concerned about Changkyun’s wellbeing?

“Yeah, but I-I at least have you now, Kihyun,” he confided with a small smile. Just one person on his side was more than he had had in over a month—he was sure it would make all the difference. “I’m going to gain their respect no matter what. I just need to work a bit harder.” Wiping his eyes once more and flashing another smile at Kihyun, he stood and stretched, hearing and feeling his back crack. “There’s no need to worry.” Changkyun would show them that he had been voted in for a reason. Although he had begun to let their negative comments drag him down and make his performance worse out of nerves, he would practice more and show them that he was fully capable of being a member of Monsta X—their bandmate.

Despite his words, Changkyun could tell Kihyun was a little worried, but he gave him a reassuring smile. “Please promise me you won’t say anything to them, Kihyun.” He could solve this problem on his own. With the support of his mom, and now Kihyun, he was already feeling so much stronger.

The older man bit his lip before letting out a quiet sigh. “ _Fine_.” He pointed a finger at Changkyun’s chest. “But you have to _promise_ to come to me if you need to talk about anything from now on.” Changkyun studied his new-found friend’s look of determination for a moment, taken aback at finally being included in Kihyun’s mothering ways.

“Alright,” he agreed readily, happy to finally have someone to confide in.  

“If anything happens, tell me. Please.” Changkyun nodded, a big smile splitting his face in two. It almost seemed impossible that he had actually made a friend in the group. The band around his heart seemed to be loosening some.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of the comeback today, I give you Chapter Two!

The sharp end to the beat of the music told Changkyun that the others had, in fact, seen his small stumble to the left when he should have been twisting to the right. The sudden silence was quickly broken by frustrated sighs from a few of his bandmates. Tensions were high. Kihyun alone sent him a pitying look, although he too must have been tired of practicing the same dance over and over again throughout the afternoon.

“Come on, Changkyun!” came Hoseok’s angry shout from his place beside the young rapper.

In response, Changkyun turned his gaze to the floor and muttered an apology, no longer able to look at the irritated glares of his bandmates and the smirks of the trainees who had been watching them practice for the past hour. He could do nothing to block out the trainees’ stifled laughter though.

“Okay, again!” Hyunwoo called from the front row, turning toward the speakers once again.

“Oh, come on! Everyone’s got it right but him!” Changkyun glanced up long enough to see Minhyuk point at him while glaring at their leader. “We were supposed to leave an hour ago, and we’ve barely made any progress because of him!” Unfortunately, that was true, although he wished Minhyuk hadn’t felt the need to point it out as if Changkyun wasn’t even there.

Seeing Hyunwoo open his mouth to respond, Changkyun called out, “A-ah, I was planning to stay late anyway and work on it, so if you guys want to go back…” He trailed off, hoping he hadn’t just pissed off their usually level-headed leader. Despite the risk, he knew it would be so much easier to concentrate without the heated glares some of his bandmates had been throwing his way.

Minhyuk snorted from his place beside him, saying under his breath, “Yeah, you’re going to need all the practice you can get.” Changkyun swallowed in an attempt to dislodge the lump that had once again taken up residence in his throat. Raising his voice, Minhyuk spoke again. “Please, Hyunwoo. It isn’t doing us any good to stay here when we’ve got the dance down.”

Please, just go, pleaded Changkyun silently, hoping his thoughts would somehow reach Hyunwoo. It seemed luck was on his side this one time because their leader took one look around at the other guys and, noticing their exhaustion and frustration, realized they wouldn’t get any further that day.

Sighing, he nodded. “Alright, let’s head back to the dorm then. Changkyun, make sure to put the equipment away when you’re done. And don’t head back to the dorm too late.” Oh, he wouldn’t. He knew better than to wake anyone else up when he got home—he wouldn’t be making that mistake again. Hyunwoo waved the key at Changkyun and put it by the younger rapper’s things.

With a polite nod and bow in affirmation, Changkyun strayed to his bag at the side of the room to take a drink of water, wipe the drops of sweat from his face and neck, and wait for the others to file out of the room. Kihyun alone gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder and a small smile as he straightened up after grabbing his own bag. “Don’t work yourself too hard,” he whispered, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. Changkyun just nodded with a somewhat pained smile before turning to drop his bottle onto the hardwood floor beside his bag.

Upon hearing the metal door slam shut behind the others, Changkyun glanced up in relief, only to freeze when he saw that four of the trainees had stayed behind. They just couldn’t leave him be, could they? It wasn’t enough for them to tease him and shove him around in the halls? Now they were determined to mess with him even inside the practice rooms. With a deep breath and a look toward the ceiling for strength, he headed toward the speakers and started their song from the beginning, knowing he wouldn’t be able to convince them to leave.

Dropping into position and waiting for his cue to begin, he reveled in the low beat of the music. After a few seconds, the beat changed and he launched into their choreographed dance, only to hear the hoots and hollers from the trainees who were leaning against the plaster wall behind him. He steadfastly ignored their gazes in the floor-to-ceiling mirrors, hoping they would lose interest when he refused to acknowledge them.

As soon as he reached the moment of the dance that had been so difficult for him throughout the afternoon, one of them screamed out “Don’t fuck up!” Naturally, this caused him to stumble out of sync with the music. With a dirty glare toward the trainees, now laughing hysterically, he continued without stopping the track. They wouldn’t leave until they had had their fun, so he was just going to have to do his best to drown them out. With a flip of his sweat-drenched bangs, he continued.

But they wouldn’t give up that easily. He had hoped they would leave soon to get dinner, to go home, to do anything but continue playing around with him. Changkyun had even taken breaks to practice choreography to other songs. Unfortunately, they seemed to have unlimited energy for screwing with him each time any song came bursting from the speakers, so he had given up and focused all his attention on the choreography he had been having trouble with. Even when he raised the volume slightly every time he pressed the button to replay, it seemed to do nothing to deter them.

After making a particularly bad mistake in the routine and hearing their shrieking laughter, he could take it no longer. Without even bothering to turn the music off, he fled from the room, slamming the metal door shut behind him and running for the bathroom. Changkyun hoped beyond hope that they would get tired of their games and just leave. At this rate, he would have been better off if the rest of Monsta X had just stayed behind, even with their obvious irritation.

It wasn’t until he had locked himself in and stood in front of the mirror that he allowed himself to let out of strangled yell of frustration. His open palm struck the side of the porcelain sink as tears gathered in his eyes, but he reigned in his anger with a few deep breaths and struggled to hold back the tears of irritation. Despite knowing that crying wasn’t going to do anything for him, it seemed to be his natural response to most stressors recently.

At least the trainees didn’t harass him so openly in front of the group. Although they were around the same age as the other members of Monsta X, the trainees were expected to show respect to those who were set to debut. However, as the youngest among both the members and trainees, Changkyun seemed to be fair game to them. A quiet sigh escaped his lips at the understanding that there was nothing he could do to change that. Seniority took precedence.   

Reaching into his pocket to check the time, he realized he hadn’t even grabbed his phone when he left the room. He really hoped they weren’t doing anything to his belongings, but he didn’t have the courage to go check. His lack of phone also made it impossible for him to know how long he had been practicing after everyone left. Changkyun sighed and crouched down in front of the sink, pulling his sweaty t-shirt away from his chest in a rapid fanning movement, hoping for some relief from the heat that had been made worse by his frustration and anger.

After what seemed like fifteen minutes, he was considering going back to at least take his things and go when he heard their laughter echoing down the hall. As they passed his hiding spot and continued on, their voices fading by the second, Changkyun let out the breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding.

Opening the door quietly, he reached behind him to shut off the bathroom light. A peek around the hallway told Changkyun that the trainees weren’t lying in wait for him. He wouldn’t put it past them. Once he was sure the coast was clear, he made his way back to the practice room. At least, he noted as he made his way to his bag, they didn’t seem to have touched any of his belongings or the equipment.

Changkyun took a deep breath and held it in his lungs for a few seconds before releasing it, repeating the action twice, and walking over to the speakers. He turned the volume down to a more reasonable level before playing the song he was now sick of hearing. Taking a deep breath and dropping into position in the middle of the floor, he waited for his cue for what seemed to be the thousandth time that day. This time, however, there was nothing to distract him from executing the perfect dance routine. In the four minutes of music beating through the speakers, of feet pounding and sliding across the floor, he didn’t make a single mistake. It really was amazing what he could do when he wasn’t being criticized or harassed.

He practiced once more, just on the off chance that his lack of mistakes had been a fluke, but the second run-through produced the same flawless results. With a laugh of relief, Changkyun strode over to the speakers, disconnecting and powering off all of the equipment before carrying it to the storage area to the left of the room. Despite his exhaustion and the uncomfortable feeling of sweaty clothes against sticky skin, he was smiling as he grabbed his belongings, turned off the lights, and locked the practice room. After a short trip to their manager’s office to leave the key in the box outside his door—as they always did—he made his way out of the building.

A glance at his phone told him it was well past eight, which explained the growling noises his stomach had been emitting since he finished dancing. If he grabbed something to eat from a nearby shop, he wouldn’t get home until almost ten thirty or eleven o’clock, and that was fine by him. The others would most likely be winding down and getting ready for bed soon after that. Their schedule almost always started in the early morning hours, and they wanted to be able to focus. Although he knew it was unlikely to actually change his bandmates’ attitudes toward him, he was anxious for the next day so he could show them that he had gotten the dance down on his own and that they could rely on him to do what he needed to in order to improve.

* * *

After a quiet breakfast with no snide remarks from any of his bandmates, Changkyun was feeling at ease. Kihyun had commandeered his attention during the van ride by suddenly shoving an earphone in his ear and showing him some videos by his favorite YouTube sensation—a strange but hilarious young girl with a personality like some erratic talk-show host.

Changkyun’s small smile of contentment was suddenly wiped from his face, however, when the group opened the _unlocked_ door to the practice room to find the overhead lights already on and all the equipment spread out across the room as it had been during their practice the day before.

“Changkyun, I told you to put everything away and lock up when you left last night.” The irritation in Hyunwoo’s voice crushed Changkyun’s former happy mood.

“I did!” Changkyun retorted, mouth agape and eyes widened in disbelief. “I swear I put it all away and locked the door when I left!” There was no way he would have left the lights on, and he _knew_ without a doubt that he had remembered to lock up. On the way in, they had even picked up the key directly from the box outside the manager’s office. There was no reason for anyone else to have used this practice room after he had left.

Hoseok scoffed. “Yeah, well, apparently not. Don’t try and lie about it.” Someone else had to have taken all the equipment back out of the storage closet, turned on the lights, and left the door unlocked after he had left the night before. It was no state secret that Monsta X kept their dance studio’s key outside their manager’s office, so anyone could have entered the room last night.

Changkyun was about to say as much when he realized with a sinking feeling that the only ones who would do something like this, something that would intentionally make him look bad in front of his bandmates, were the trainees who had heard Hyunwoo make the request in the first place. He wasn’t about to start laying blame with them because he knew it would look as if he wasn’t willing to own up to his own mistakes. “You’re right,” he conceded in a quiet voice, bowing in apology to his seniors. “I was so tired last night that I must have forgotten. But that’s no excuse. I’m sorry for my mistake.” Even after he had straightened from his bow, he didn’t look the other members of Monsta X in the eye.

“We’re lucky that the managers didn’t find out. Just make sure it doesn’t happen again,” Hyunwoo scolded him quietly, his tone not quite as irritated as it had been, before calling for them to put their things away and gather around for the day’s schedule. As Changkyun dropped his bag to the side of the room with a heavy heart, he saw Kihyun give a questioning frown and a tilt of his head in Changkyun’s direction, but he gently shook his head and gave a small smile of reassurance. There was no need for him to worry about Changkyun. He could deal with the trainees’ little pranks, no matter how much it irritated him. He just didn’t understand why they had to take it so far.

He joined the rest of the group in the middle of the practice room to go through their schedule. In the morning, they would start off by working through the songs they had been practicing the day before, and they would move to vocal practice after lunch.

After nodding in understanding, they split out of their circle and into the formation to practice the choreography for their songs again. The first few run-throughs went well enough, and then it was time for the song he had struggled with. Changkyun could see the others looking at him from the corners of their eyes. Usually, their expectant looks would serve as another distraction, tripping him up. This time, with Kihyun’s encouraging smile and the lack of snide remarks from the trainees, he knew he could execute the dance perfectly, just as he had late the night before.

Sure enough, as he moved in sync with the beat of the music, following the steps laid out in his mind, he didn’t falter once. Although he kept in mind the movements of his bandmates, he didn’t allow them to distract him. Once the beat drifted off into the last, quiet notes, Changkyun let himself glide into position and come to rest next to Hoseok.

He couldn’t keep the small smile from slipping onto his face at the look of pride Kihyun shot his way, although it dimmed slightly at Hoseok’s snide remark that at least the extra practice had worked. Hyunwoo nodded in Changkyun’s direction with a look of relief, which the young rapper took as a sign of their leader’s acknowledgement.

Kihyun alone offered him words of praise after the group broke apart, the others laughing and joking together with their backs toward him as they took a short break before their next dance routine. The choreography wasn’t quite as challenging as the first song, and Changkyun was able to follow along without much trouble. He felt a deep ache in his chest when Hyungwon stumbled, forcing them to restart, and all he received were joking scoffs and small smiles—a far cry from the harsh reactions to Changkyun’s own mistakes. Even when he did everything right, they seemed determined to ignore his efforts. As if to make up for the negativity, Kihyun took on the responsibility of poking the young rapper in the side and making amusing comments in order to cheer Changkyun up during breaks. He didn’t know how he had made it this far without the older man’s support.

Unfortunately, the rest of the group’s indifference didn’t extend to vocal practice later that afternoon. While the vocalists practiced together, Changkyun and Jooheon ran through the raps for a few of their songs. During his solo raps, everything from Changkyun’s pitch to his ability to blend languages came under fire from the older rapper.

“It isn’t that difficult to switch between Korean and English,” Jooheon chided him, although he kept his voice quiet to keep from disturbing the rest of their bandmates. In fact, Changkyun’s time abroad and his English abilities should have made such a thing easy, but he couldn’t seem to get the flow just right. “You need to make sure that the transition is flawless and fluid. Your rap sounds choppy and broken as it is now.” Changkyun knew—he could hear it himself. He nodded his head and promised to work on it later that night. At least Jooheon was giving him constructive criticism rather than just showing his frustration.

By the time he and Jooheon finally moved onto practicing their duo raps, the others had already finished. Although Jooheon hadn’t been rude to Changkyun, his criticism had the youngest member at an all-time low in confidence, and seeing his bandmates gather around to listen while they waited only stressed him out even more. There was nothing he could do about that though, as Jooheon had already signaled him to begin.

For the first twenty seconds or so, their voices meshed well, but when Jooheon shifted his tone, Changkyun failed to compensate, and their rhythm failed. He heard a scoff from Minhyuk somewhere behind him before they launched into the part again.

After a few more failed attempts, Changkyun could see the slight irritation on Jooheon’s face and could hear the sounds of displeasure from the group. As they began again, Changkyun heard Gunhee’s name whispered somewhere to his right, and he stuttered through the opening with his heart in his throat before matching Jooheon’s pace for a good portion of their rap.

The next fifteen minutes of practice did little for his nerves or his confidence, and he finally begged off continuing by promising that he would stay behind to work on his rapping. Their criticism was something Changkyun was going to have to get used to, even if he had to compensate by practicing later than the others. Jooheon gave him a light slap to the shoulder that he could only hope was meant to be encouraging as the others filed out of the room, happy to be finished for the day. He didn’t dare to look them in the eyes as they left, but gave a polite nod and bow in their direction.

Changkyun and Kihyun, who had been slow in rising from the couch, both heard the faint whispers of “I mean, Gunhee and Jooheon never had his much trouble—” before it was cut off by the sound of the door slamming shut. Changkyun swallowed hard and attempted to clear his throat to dissolve the awkward tension in the air.

“Changkyun, don’t listen to them.” Although he had yet to look at his only friend—if he could even call him that after only a few days of actually speaking—he could hear the pity in Kihyun’s voice.

He cleared his throat again and played with the end of his sleeve. “It’s fine, Kihyun, really. It’s true. I know I need to practice more because that was a disaster.” He grimaced and finally turned to face his bandmate. “I’ll work on it tonight, and then I can practice more with Jooheon tomorrow.” That would have to be good enough. Besides, without the rest of the group lingering around, he would be able to focus more intently. Although Kihyun looked like he wanted to argue, Changkyun forced a smile for him before continuing. “Look, we all need a bit of extra practice sometimes, right? I just really need to work on this now.”

Kihyun nodded and gave him a big smile of encouragement in return. “Just don’t stay out too late tonight, okay?”

They both knew that Changkyun’s nod was a lie, though Kihyun didn’t call him out on it. Maybe he could sense that the younger needed some time to himself.

As expected, Changkyun didn’t slip into his own bed in the dorm until just after midnight, but he had been careful not to wake any of the others when he came in. Despite his exhaustion, he was able to fall asleep with a smile, knowing that he had made some progress to show Jooheon later that day.


	3. Chapter Three

A week of late nights in the studio and the practice room was beginning to take a toll on Changkyun. Although he maintained his focus during practice with the group, he wasn’t all there during breaks. At their press event toward the end of the week, he had been polite but quiet and a bit withdrawn. Granted, that might have been partially due to the distance between him and the other members, but it seemed to be caused mainly by his lack of sleep.

Soon enough, even Hyunwoo and Hyungwon began to pick up on his sluggishness, and Jooheon had been giving the younger rapper concerned looks during the day. Kihyun was the only one willing to say anything, but anytime he attempted to confront Changkyun about it, the younger man always brushed off his concern with comments about needing to practice more than the others to catch up. He couldn’t argue too much with that since he knew each and every one of them had felt that way at some point, but he had hoped that Changkyun’s need to work himself so hard would burn out soon enough, just as it did with the rest of them.

Needless to say, it didn’t. After two weeks of Changkyun’s hectic schedule—two weeks of dark circles under his eyes and quick naps between practice sessions—Kihyun had insisted that the rapper take a break from practicing so much. The younger had quietly reminded him that he wasn’t exactly welcome at the dorms.

At Kihyun’s attempted protest, Changkyun simply gave him a pointed look and a sad smile. “I would rather stay here to practice late every night than sit in awkward silence at the dorms with nothing to do.” Aside from Kihyun’s presence, there was nothing appealing about being in the dorms with the other members of Monsta X.

Whenever he was around, the atmosphere in the dorm was strained, almost painful. At this point, the occasional harassment of the trainees, though harsh, was less hurtful than the knowledge that his bandmates couldn’t even relax around him. If he needed to practice anyway, the others could at least enjoy life at the dorms while he wasn’t there. Not that he was going to mention any of that to Kihyun.

“I still think that if you just explain to them—”

“You know that’s not going to work, and I don’t need to make them any more annoyed with me,” Changkyun countered quietly, tired of this continued debate with Kihyun. He was just _tired_.

Kihyun sighed and lowered his head in defeat, begrudgingly accepting Changkyun’s argument once again. He had stopped himself so far from going behind his friend’s back and talking to the group about the issue, but that wasn’t going to stop him from dropping hints and making little suggestions to his bandmates. At the very least, he knew Jooheon and Hyunwoo would be receptive to Kihyun’s argument—they were already beginning to come around. They needed to get over their grudge against Changkyun, for his sake and theirs. Until that happened, he would just try to help his friend as much as he could.

That night, Changkyun stayed late again, insisting to an unusually serious-looking Kihyun that he would be fine and promising that he would come back to the dorm a bit earlier than he had been.

A couple of hours after the others had left, three of the trainees came strolling into the studio where Changkyun had been practicing his vocals and raps with as much enthusiasm as his sleep-deprived brain could provide. As always, they made nuisances of themselves by singing and cheering so loudly that he couldn’t even hear himself.

Knowing that he wouldn’t be able to practice anymore with them around, he roughly shoved his notebook and iPod into his bag and pulled it off the table, intending to do as Kihyun had suggested and go back early. Before he made it to the door, one of the trainees grabbed his arm and pulled him back, making him stumble and knock his hip into the table. He hissed in pain but glared up at the man—Dohyun.  

“What, you don’t want to hang out with us, _I.M_?” Dohyun’s voice was harsh and mocking. Changkyun attempted to pull his arm free, but the other gripped it tighter—he could practically feel his skin bruising under the taller man’s hand. The other trainees looked on in silence, shooting their friend slightly anxious looks but doing nothing to stop him. 

Changkyun himself began to worry. Although this wouldn’t be the first time his body bore marks from the trainees shoving him around or giving him sharp slaps of “encouragement,” they had never acted in such a threatening manner before.

“You think you’re too good for us because you’re going to debut?” he sneered, leaning close to the younger man’s face. Changkyun had never even entertained such a thought, and he had no idea why Dohyun seemed to believe he had. “You’re no better than the rest of us, and you haven’t even been here for two years. So why were _you_ chosen over any of us?”

Debuted group members and trainees weren’t necessarily any better or worse than the others. Their status had a lot to do with luck or circumstances, which Changkyun knew all too well. As he opened his mouth to argue just that, the trainee pulled him forward and then shoved him against the wall.

Dohyun leaned closer to him and prompted him for an answer once again, “ _Huh_?” Changkyun winced, hoping his back wouldn’t bruise—it would make dancing even more difficult. “Your own group can’t even stand to be around you.” The trainee smirked. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the executives decided not to debut you guys after all with how much hostility there is toward you.”

Changkyun’s eyes widened without his consent. They wouldn’t disband them, would they? Monsta X _had_ to debut. It was all he had left. If they didn’t, he would have worked his ass off for nothing. The band around his chest tightened once again, the worry choking him.

The trainees smiled at his look of distress, and Dohyun gave him one last shove into the table, the edge digging into the bruise it had surely left moments earlier.

Another of the trainees, one who had apparently been at Starship for almost seven years now, spit out “Good luck with your _debut_ , I.M.” He and the other two left the room, allowing the door to slam shut behind them. 

Of course they would debut. Changkyun slumped against the table, ignoring the sting of his bruises. It wasn’t like their lack of friendship would stop them from performing. Their practices had been going pretty well recently, and the others had been criticizing him less. Besides, they could all act happy and unified in front of a camera, right? They had gotten through their public appearances well enough so far. It’s not like they had to be the best of friends when they were out of the spotlight, although he had hoped they could be. There were other groups who didn’t get along perfectly but still managed to keep their image alive. Monsta X could do the same. They _had_ to. If the others didn’t want to be friends with him, he would survive, but they _would_ debut.

Changkyun took a deep breath and sat down in the chair to his right, leaning back and resting his head against the wall. His eyes closed involuntarily. It would be fine. They were just trying to mess with him—and it was working. He took another deep breath before pulling out his phone and cursing quietly as he caught the time. Kihyun would not be happy, he thought with a grimace as he stood and made his way toward the door.

The music he listened to on the way back to the dorm did little to keep his thoughts from drifting to the trainees’ words, and although he attempted to convince himself that they were indeed lies, his heart felt heavy. His distraction almost caused him to miss his stop, and he ended up racing to the front of the bus just as the bus driver began to close the doors. Apologizing and slipping his coins into the fare box, he stepped down from the bus and made the short walk back to the dorm—though it dragged on for what seemed like hours in his tired state.

As he had expected, Kihyun greeted him with a displeased look from his place on the couch when Changkyun peeked into and then entered the living room at—he looked down at his watch—exactly 10:54. He grimaced before looking back up at his friend’s frowning face. “Honestly, I meant to come back earlier, but I…” He looked down at his feet to avoid his friend’s disappointment. “I got distracted, and lost track of the time, and…” At Kihyun’s loud sigh, Changkyun trailed off, knowing the older man was irritated with him.

Changkyun heard the couch’s usual quiet symphony of squeaks as Kihyun stood and approached him. “I’m just worried, Changkyun. You’re not sleeping well, and you’re really going to wear yourself out if you keep practicing so much.” What else was he supposed to do though? He had to get better to convince them that he belonged here.

“I’m fine, Kihyun, honestly,” he murmured, gripping his left arm for comfort. “You don’t need to worry about me.” Having this conversation right now, when his limbs felt heavy and his mind fuzzy, was the last thing he wanted.

“You’re not fine!” Kihyun’s voice, though no louder than a harsh whisper, forced Changkyun’s eyes up toward his friends’ in surprise. Kihyun’s frown had deepened. “You’re practically sleeping while standing during any free time we have in the studio, and you never actually take a break! You’re working too hard, and it’s going to end up hurting you _and_ the rest of us!” Changkyun opened his mouth to respond but couldn’t think of what he should say, and Kihyun didn’t wait around to find out. “I’m going to sleep now, and you should too,” he told the younger coldly before turning on his heel and stalking toward the bedrooms.

Shock kept Changkyun from following him, but after a few minutes, he swallowed past the lump in his throat and quietly entered their shared room to grab some clothes. When he turned toward Kihyun’s bunk, he could see only the back of his friend’s white T-shirt.

The young rapper didn’t allow his tears to flow until he was safely under the warm spray of the shower, shampoo and soap suds flowing down his body. He had pissed off the one person he had actually been on speaking terms with—back to square one, it seemed. Stifling his sobs in his hand, he stood under the water for another few minutes before shutting the shower off and stepping out into the steamy bathroom.

After dressing quickly, he scrubbed his face, towel-dried his hair, and traipsed back into their shared bedroom, finally able to drop quietly onto his bed and into a fitful sleep haunted by the words of Kihyun and the trainees alike.

* * *

Changkyun awoke the next morning to the unfamiliar sound of someone else’s alarm. He realized with a start that he must have either slept through or unwittingly turned off his own. As he peeled his eyelids open, he took in the darkened room and the open curtains, revealing the still sunless sky. He groaned quietly and dragged himself up to sit on the edge of his bed while pressing his palms into his eyes until he could see strange red and orange patterns on the inside of his eyelids.

When he heard someone’s socks shuffling across the floor, he opened his eyes to see Kihyun’s back as the older man left the room without saying anything. Changkyun sighed quietly and stood. The day would be even quieter than normal without Kihyun to keep him company. With bleary eyes, he looked around his bed for the long sleeved cotton shirt and comfortable pants he had laid out the night before, sensing another long day ahead of him.

When he pulled off his sleep shirt, he noticed the slightly darker patches of skin on his forearm and quickly checked his back. Upon seeing the bruises there too, he sighed and pulled his practice shirt on.

After getting dressed, he reluctantly joined his bandmates in the brightly-lit kitchen. He was pleased that this time, at least, they didn’t stop talking as soon as he trailed in and made a beeline for the coffee maker. After seeing that everyone who normally drank the warm brew already had a cup full, he poured one for himself, forcing himself to drink it black solely for the caffeine. After toasting a couple pieces of bread, Changkyun shuffled around to the corner of the cabinets with his head down, nibbling his toast and sipping his bitter coffee as he stared at a particularly interesting design on the countertop.

It took him a few seconds to recognize that the others’ conversations had stopped, and when he looked up to see why, everyone except Kihyun stared back at him. “A-ah, huh?”

They seemed to expect his confusion. As the others turned to go, Hyunwoo said what Changkyun guessed he had been trying to tell him before, “We’re leaving in five minutes, so you should get your stuff ready.” Hyunwoo’s voice was slow and steady, and there was some emotion on his face that Changkyun couldn’t quite place. The young rapper nodded and gulped down the rest of his coffee, continuing to chew on his toast as he turned to the sink to hastily wash his cup. As soon as he had set it on the counter to dry, he made his way to the bedroom to retrieve his bag and join the others in the entryway.

Kihyun’s behavior didn’t change all day, and Changkyun didn’t make any effort to sway him, fearing his reaction. Although it hadn’t been a big deal to Changkyun that he was practicing late every day, it seemed Kihyun believed otherwise. He slid down the wall to rest against his bag, chest rising and falling slightly faster than normal after their morning practice. Against his wishes, his eyelids threatened to close.

Sure he was more tired than usual, but he was doing his best to make sure his sleep patterns didn’t affect the rest of their bandmates. He was completely focused during practice. In fact, the extra practice was allowing him to catch up with Hoseok and Hyunwoo, the fastest learners in the group. Changkyun raised his head to glance at the other members of Monsta X, lounging around on the other side of the room and giggling about something Jooheon had said.

If he was slightly distracted or unfocused during his breaks, it wasn’t really a problem anyway since he had no one to actually spend time with, especially now that Kihyun wouldn’t even look at him. Almost as if they had heard his thoughts, the others turned to glance at him with strange expressions on their faces. What were they thinking? Looking down at his lap, Changkyun began to pick at a loose thread dangling from the dark green material of his sleeve. Were they, like Kihyun, under the impression that he was a detriment to their band? It seemed to be the most likely explanation.

Their strange looks continued throughout their lunch break, afternoon recording session, and dance practice. Although it frayed his nerves beyond belief, he kept his silence for the entire day and focused on working. He didn’t even allow himself to be distracted by the slight throbbing behind his eyes that had manifested itself sometime in the afternoon. When the others began to grab their things and head for the door, Changkyun simply gave them a polite nod and continued dancing. He studiously ignored Kihyun’s disbelieving stare that reflected in the floor-to-ceiling mirrors, but he couldn’t stop himself from flinching as the older man turned away sharply and slammed the door shut with as much force as he dared.

Changkyun halted long enough to let out a deep sigh and blink back the tears that had once again gathered at the corners of his eyes. He danced through it all—let the emotion bleed out into his graceful movements and, when it was time, his rapping portions of the song. Losing himself in the beat of the music as it changed from song to song, he paid no mind to the passing of time. Even the thoughts of sleep slipped from his aching brain. When he had finished the last song on the playlist, he dropped gracelessly to the hardwood floor, chest heaving and sweat beading across his skin as his muscles smarted.

Though his eyes burned with fatigue and his head alternated between swimming and throbbing, he rested for only a few minutes before forcing himself to sit up and stretch out his worn muscles. As he worked at a knot on his right calf, wincing at each twinge of pain, he came to the realization that he had reached his limit. There was no way he could continue to stay at Starship as late as he had been.

Dropping his arms from his calf, he sluggishly slid onto his knees before pushing himself to his feet and trudging the few steps to his bag. He dropped to his knees lightly and dug around until he found his phone. Already six thirty. If he left now, he could make it back to the dorm in a little over half an hour. And then, blessed sleep. A glance at his sweat-soaked shirt had him amending his plan. Quick shower first, then sleep.

As he stood, the strap of his bag clutched in his hand, he sighed. At least the trainees hadn’t stayed behind today. In fact, he hadn’t seen them all day, surprisingly. But Changkyun knew better than to question his good luck.

Just as he flipped the light switch and turned to leave, he remembered the equipment. Not looking forward to another scolding from Hyunwoo—though the last time hadn’t actually been his fault—he groaned and turned the lights back on with a click. His lack of energy made the process last longer than it should have, but eventually, he finished and left the room, sliding the door shut quietly behind him and locking it.

His mind wandered to the most random of things as he made the journey through the familiar halls to drop the key off in front of the manager’s office. Had that spot on the wall always been there? Why had he never noticed that the door to the left of the changing room was a deep purple? As he opened the door to the outside world, painted in hues of red and yellow, he tried to remember the last time he had left the building when sunlight still shone. Surely, his skin must have been getting paler with each week spent away from the rays of the sun, but he hardly noticed any difference.

When the next bus arrived at the bus stop almost ten minutes later, he barely remembered what he had been doing during his wait. In spite of his attempts to stay awake on the bus—pinching his arm or leg, listening to loud music, and looking though old messages on his phone—he felt himself slipping into a world halfway between dreams and waking life.

As if from afar, he felt his body jerk awake just as his stop was called in that automated female voice over the loudspeaker. He quickly dug out the appropriate amount of change before slowly and carefully making his way to the front of the bus.

The short walk home, like the wait at the bus stop, seemed to melt from his memory, and he only realized that he had made it back to the dorm when his hand came up to press the numbers on the keypad. His fingers, made uncoordinated by lack of sleep, fumbled and hit the wrong combination of keys, which in turn caused the keypad to let out a short but shrill beeping noise. He tried once more and let out a sigh of relief when it produced a happy chirping and the loud click of the door unlocking.

Changkyun pushed the door open quietly, not wanting to wake his bandmates. It came as a surprise to see the bright light pouring into the hallway from the kitchen and living room—until he remembered the time with a shake of his head. He had left the Starship building early for once.

The spicy smell of someone’s dinner wafted toward him as he trailed through the entryway, past the doorway to the kitchen, and through the open hallway connected to the living room. Nausea reared its ugly head at the scent of food, but Changkyun just swallowed and took a deep breath through his mouth, hoping to appease his stomach.

His fierce concentration on keeping the meager contents of his stomach inside caused him to miss the curious looks Hoseok and Hyungwon sent his way from their place on the couch. In fact, he didn’t really register passing through the outer edge of the living room at all until he opened the door of his shared room. After dropping his bag on the floor and making a weak grab at the pajamas he hadn’t put away that morning, he left the room again to head for the shower, hoping it was vacant.

It was, in fact, open and ready for use. Though Changkyun remembered locking the door and undressing, he didn’t quite remember turning the water on or stepping under the spray until he jolted awake at the feel of cool tile against his forehead. He really couldn’t put off sleeping any longer or he was just going to pass out in the shower. After a half-hearted scrubbing of his hair and body with some sweet, fruit-scented shampoo—which didn’t seem to be his usual—he rinsed himself off and stepped out of the tub.

Changkyun barely managed to drag the fluffy towel across his body before sitting on the toilet lid to slide on his boxers and pajama pants, afraid he would lose his balance. He slipped his long-sleeved shirt on over his head before standing, giving his hair a half-hearted swipe to dry it, and then hanging his towel on the hook on the wall. He fumbled with the lock on the bathroom door but finally opened it after a few tries.

With his shuffling steps, it took slightly longer than normal to reach the bedroom, and when he finally laid eyes on his bed again, he thought he would burst with happiness. After stumbling across the room, he collapsed on top of the covers, his head managing to fall right into the center of his fluffy pillow. Pure euphoria. Bleary eyes slipped shut as consciousness fled.

Changkyun hadn’t even noticed Jooheon, curled up on his own bunk across the room. The youngest member of Monsta X had been completely dead to the world around him.

“Changkyun?” Jooheon’s voice, normally so full of confidence, faltered slightly when his bandmate didn’t even twitch. He slid down the ladder from his bed and padded quietly yet quickly across the floor, stopping in front of Changkyun’s bed. He hesitated only a second before calling his name again and patting his shoulder gently. No movement, no response.

Jooheon bit his lip before hurrying out the door and toward the kitchen, where he knew Kihyun was finishing his dinner at their round kitchen table. Upon seeing the older man, Jooheon hurried to his side and whispered urgently, “I think Changkyun literally just passed out” before the other could even open his mouth.

After the way Kihyun had been acting toward Changkyun all day, Jooheon hadn’t really been sure if he was doing the right thing by telling the older man, but Kihyun’s widened eyes and sudden lunge from the chair convinced him that he had made the right decision. Of all the members of Monsta X, Kihyun was the only one who had actually been on good terms with their youngest bandmate. As he followed Kihyun’s hurried steps toward their room, he pondered on his own stubbornness at accepting Changkyun.

Their friends glanced up at them as they passed through the edge of the living room, and Jooheon saw Hyunwoo and Hyungwon exchange a look of confusion before he focused his attention on his friend’s back.

As soon as Kihyun entered the room, he rushed to Changkyun’s bed and sat on his knees beside the sleeping boy. He clicked his tongue before asking Jooheon to grab a towel from the bathroom, muttering about Changkyun’s still dripping hair and how he was going to catch a cold.

Jooheon did as he was asked. When he returned, he passed by Hyunwoo and Hyungwon, who had stopped just outside the door, and gave a short nod before entering the room. Kihyun, apparently having given up on pulling Changkyun’s blankets out from under him, had grabbed one of his own extra blankets and draped it over their youngest. At the moment, he was tucking it in around his shoulders and making sure it still covered his feet. Jooheon smiled slightly at the older man’s mothering.

“What happened?” Hyunwoo’s tone of concern surprised Kihyun, who hadn’t even noticed that their leader had entered the room with Hyungwon.

Jooheon and Kihyun glanced at each other for a moment before Kihyun sighed and Jooheon moved forward to bring the towel to Changkyun’s soaked hair, which smelled suspiciously like his own did after a shower.

Kihyun turned to face Hyunwoo and Hyungwon, making eye contact with the leader. “Changkyun wouldn’t want me to say anything, but he’s been working himself ragged trying to fit into this group, and no one even _cares_ ,” he tried his best to keep the accusatory tone from leaking into his voice, but he could tell from the guilty look on Hyunwoo’s face that he had failed. Well, at least he was getting through to them. He took a breath. “I guess he finally reached his limit.” Kihyun hadn’t guessed that he would last so long.

Doing his best to ignore the tension in the air, Jooheon continued to rub the towel against Changkyun’s dripping locks. Although he was gentle, it was impossible to dry the young rapper’s hair without jostling his head a bit. Regardless, Changkyun never showed any signs of waking.

“Just…” Kihyun began to speak, but didn’t seem to know what to say. “If you guys could just give him a break… He’s trying so hard.” Hyunwoo and Hyungwon shared a look before returning their gazes to Kihyun. “Look, I know the way he joined Monsta X wasn’t fair, and he understands why we would be pissed about that…” Kihyun glanced back at the unconscious Changkyun and at Jooheon, who was still trying his best to dry the younger man’s hair. “But he’s a member now, just like the rest of us, and that’s not going to change. We _all_ need to accept that.”

When Kihyun met their eyes again, Hyunwoo nodded in acceptance and Hyungwon lowered his eyes to the ground in a show of guilt. They knew Kihyun was right—Changkyun was their bandmate, no matter how he had joined. They had been trying to keep their bitterness from showing, but they hadn’t tried hard enough. And it was true that their attitude wasn’t doing anything to help the group as a whole.

After drying Changkyun’s hair as much as possible with only a towel, Jooheon stood up and skirted around the other three. He silently grabbed an extra pillow off of his own bed and gestured to Kihyun to help him switch out Changkyun’s wet pillow for the one in his hand.

Kihyun glanced between Hyunwoo and Hyungwon. “Look, I realize you guys aren’t going to be best friends with him overnight, but please just think about what I said.” At the very least, he hoped they would go a little easier on Changkyun after this, although those two were hardly the worst behaved in the group.

After a glance at Hyungwon, Hyunwoo spoke up for the both of them. “You’re right, Kihyun. The way we’ve been acting isn’t fair to Changkyun. If we want to succeed as a group, we’re going to need to make some changes.” Their leader looked down at Changkyun’s sleeping figure. “For now, let’s just make sure Changkyun stays healthy. Once he’s feeling better, we can talk to him and clear the air.” Hyungwon nodded in agreement, and a few seconds of silence passed over the room.

Minhyuk’s sudden shout from the living room brought the group back to life. Hyunwoo and Hyungwon headed back to the living with whispered wishes for the other two to have a good night. Out of the entire group, Minhyuk and Hoseok had expressed the most animosity toward Changkyun, so it was probably best not to include them in their discussion at the moment. Hyungwon slid the door closed quietly behind them as they left. 

Once Jooheon and Kihyun were both seated on the floor a few feet away from Changkyun’s bed, Jooheon asked the question that had been burning in his mind all day. “What happened between you two?” As Kihyun’s glance slid away to rest on Changkyun’s peaceful face, Jooheon added, “I mean, you were the only one who really accepted him, and then suddenly, today, everything went back to the way it was before.” Although Changkyun was unlikely to wake up from any noise, Jooheon still kept his voice low. He turned to look at Changkyun. It was, he realized with a jolt, the first time he had seen the younger man so unguarded.

Kihyun leaned forward before answering. “I was being stupid,” he said with a sigh, dragging one hand up to press at his eyes. “I was worried because he’s been working too hard, and he’s not sleeping well. He’s not taking care of himself at all. So I waited up yesterday and when he came home, I told him that he needed to stop practicing so late and get some sleep.” Kihyun uncurled his body and leaned back, his arms outstretched behind him. “He just brushed me off and said he was fine, that he needed the practice. I was mostly irritated that he wasn’t taking care of himself, and I let my anger get the best of me when he couldn’t even understand that I was worried about him.” Kihyun tilted his head back to look up at the ceiling. “…But I hurt him more by ignoring him than if I would have just explained why I was so irritated with him in the first place.”

Jooheon leaned into his friend’s shoulder and patted his back gently. “It’ll be okay, Kihyun. He’s getting some sleep now, which is what matters. And we can talk to him about all of this in the morning.” Jooheon didn’t expect the sudden look of joy on Kihyun’s face, and his own face must have reflected his confusion.

“ _We_?” Kihyun asked pointedly, eyes widened to an almost comical extent.

Jooheon looked down as he pulled his hands into his lap, fingers lacing together. “Yeah… I’ve been thinking about the whole situation with Changkyun a lot lately. To be honest, I’ve wanted to say something for a while now, but we’ve all been such assholes,” he grimaced, “so I didn’t really know how to approach him.” Changkyun had every right to ignore anything Jooheon said—he wouldn’t blame the younger man for any bitterness.

“You know,” Kihyun began, leaning into Jooheon’s side and wrapping an arm around his shoulders, “Changkyun’s a pretty easy-going guy when you get to know him a bit. If you apologize, I’m sure he’ll forgive you.” It had worked for Kihyun, after all. “The thing is,” he continued, his voice lower, more solemn, “as awkward as it is for us to admit that we were wrong, it hurts Changkyun more to have no friends to rely on here.” The silence that followed this statement was interrupted only by Changkyun’s soft breaths and the faint chatter of the rest of their bandmates from the kitchen and living room.

Jooheon nodded, his gaze never leaving the floor. Of course Changkyun would be feeling lonely without anyone to talk to, and Jooheon hadn’t made that any easier on him despite having had every opportunity. Even though they had lost Gunhee, they still kept in contact. Besides, the rest of them all still had each other, whereas Changkyun had been treated like an outsider since his first appearance on No.Mercy.

“Like I said, that’s why he’s been pushing himself so hard.” At Jooheon’s nod, Kihyun continued. “I think he thought if he could just show us all that he could learn the raps and the dances, everyone would accept him—or at least just lay off on the criticism. Instead, everyone just ignored his progress.” As Kihyun sighed, Jooheon looked away, feeling the guilt of his actions. “But he also told me that it was fine if he stayed late at Starship because if he came back here, it would just be awkward. He’s walking on eggshells around everyone because he doesn’t know how we’re going to react to anything he does.” Kihyun swallowed down the small lump that had risen in his throat.

That uncertainty would change soon. With Jooheon’s obvious concern for the younger rapper, and now Hyunwoo and Hyungwon’s support, Kihyun would be able to convince Changkyun to take more breaks and keep a more normal schedule. 

“Well, he’s not going to have to worry about it around me anymore,” Jooheon’s voice was steady despite the sad look in his eyes. “I’ve been an ass to him, but I’ll do everything I can to make up for it.” He glanced toward Changkyun’s peaceful expression. “I’ll make sure he knows he can rely on me.”

Kihyun shot a bright smile his way, happy that another member of Monsta X would now be added to Changkyun’s circle of friends. He had a feeling that the others would come around soon enough.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got The Code last night~! I had to wait for it to be shipped because there aren't any stores nearby selling it. It's a masterpiece!  
> I also saw the news that Monsta X got their first win last night! Congratulations~!!! They deserve this and so much more for all their hard work.   
> In honor of their win, here's Chapter Four! :)

Unlike most days lately, when Changkyun fought his way to consciousness with a feeling of heaviness and haziness, the next day he awoke with contented warmth to the faint sounds of birds chirping and the pleasant sight of sunlight peeking through the window. He blinked a few times in confusion at the bottom of Minhyuk’s bed above him. When had he even fallen asleep? He remembered practicing with the group yesterday, but then…

Changkyun slid the blanket down to rest at his waist and sat up slowly, stretching out his sore muscles and listening with satisfaction to the snaps and cracks that emanated from his joints. His eyes watered slightly at the huge yawn that escaped his mouth. Though he felt well rested, he could tell that he had slept for too long, and his stomach ached faintly with a longing for food.

It was likely that he’d stayed behind to practice more, but he honestly didn’t remember much from the day before. Although that probably should have worried him, he felt relieved to know that at least he had ended up back in his own bed at the dorm.

With both hands, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes before looking across the room toward his bandmates’ beds. His gaze immediately met Kihyun’s and, when he looked up at the top bunk, Jooheon’s—both still lounging around in their respective beds.

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” Kihyun’s cheerful greeting surprised him. From what little he was able to remember from the previous day, Kihyun’s irritation toward him stood out the most. Still, he met the older man’s eyes, hoping his kind greeting hadn’t just been his imagination.

At the sincere smile on his face, Changkyun couldn’t help but grin and give a greeting in return. He glanced once again at the window, his eyes widening as they took in the sunlight, before swinging his head to look at Kihyun. “What time is it?” he asked, panicking as he turned to sit on the edge of the bed and sought out his phone. It wasn’t in its normal place beside him.

Kihyun’s chuckle made him pause and look toward his friend, who was holding Changkyun’s phone out in front of him. “I just turned your phone on silent and turned off the alarm,” he explained, pushing himself up off the bed and holding out the phone toward Changkyun, who received it with a confused look on his face.

Just then, Jooheon slid down from his bunk above Kihyun’s, feet hitting the floor with a light pounding noise. “We get to start late today—Hyunwoo’s decision.” It hadn’t been hard to convince their leader after their talk with him and Hyungwon the night before, especially since they didn’t have any required events or meetings that day. “Besides, we didn’t want to wake you up because you looked so peaceful.” His sweet smile and kind words shocked Changkyun, as he hadn’t expected the older rapper to address him in such a friendly way.

Jooheon must have read the shock in his face because he and Kihyun shared a look before stepping closer to Changkyun and gracefully folding into cross-legged positions on the floor in front of him.

Kihyun nudged Jooheon’s side with his elbow. As Changkyun looked on in relative confusion, Jooheon looked into his eyes for a second before bowing low and saying, “Changkyun, I’m sorry for being an asshole since you joined No.Mercy, and I’m sorry for not welcoming you properly into Monsta X. You’re just as much a member of the band as anyone else.” Jooheon was actually apologizing to him? What had happened while he was sleeping? “Kihyun made me realize just how horrible we’ve been.”

Changkyun looked at Kihyun, who was watching Jooheon with a gentle smile on his face. Although there had been doubts when Jooheon began speaking, he knew that Kihyun would never look so proud if the other rapper didn’t mean what he was saying.

Jooheon kept his head bowed and picked at a piece of fuzz on the toes of his sock. “I think we were so angry over Gunhee leaving that we didn’t really want to see how we were acting, even though it was obvious. So I just want to say that I’m so, so sorry, and I hope that you can forgive me, even if I don’t deserve it.” Really, an apology was all Changkyun could ask for. He could understand their anger. If Jooheon was apologizing for his actions, Changkyun would, of course, accept it. That’s why, when Jooheon raised his head to stare at Changkyun, the younger member met his unsure gaze with a smile.

“Of course I forgive you, Jooheon.” He looked down as he bunched up and then unfolded sections of the unfamiliar blanket that rested on his lap. “I really am sorry about Gunhee, and—”

“Gah, Changkyun, I told you that you don’t need to apologize for that!” Kihyun’s admonition forced him to look up at the other two, who had frowns fully in place.

“Ah, jeez, what did we do to deserve such a sweet bandmate?” Jooheon’s question sent red-hot fire racing across Changkyun’s face and neck. His gaze shifted toward the older rapper, to see him laughing and shoving at Kihyun’s shoulder.

“Changkyun, I also owe you an apology,” Kihyun sat up straighter, gently pushing Jooheon’s hands away, and met Changkyun’s eyes with a look of remorse. “I shouldn’t have gotten so angry with you the other night, and I shouldn’t have ignored you yesterday.” Changkyun looked down at his own hands clasped in his lap. “To be honest, I was just worried about you, and I wanted you to take better care of yourself. But I went about it in the wrong way.” Changkyun looked up at his bandmates just in time to see Jooheon wave a finger back and forth in front of his face.

“But,” the older rapper cut in, “that doesn’t mean we’re going to let this go!” Changkyun’s eyes widened at the older man’s suddenly serious look. “At the risk of sounding like your parent or something, I’m going to agree with Kihyun—you need to stop staying out so late.” Changkyun opened his mouth in a halfhearted attempt to argue his case, but Jooheon cut him off again with a playful glare. “You’re only hurting yourself, you know.”

“You’ve been practicing _way_ too much and not getting enough sleep.” Changkyun swallowed the lump that had begun pressing at his throat again upon hearing Jooheon’s and Kihyun’s words of concern. “You’ve been sleep deprived and miserable these past two weeks. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out, so don’t even bother trying to deny it.”

The feelings of loneliness and inadequacy that he had been pushing down for the past few weeks reared their ugly heads. Changkyun blinked back the stinging in his eyes and glanced away from his bandmates.

Kihyun pushed on, his voice quieter and gentler now, “We were scared last night, Changkyun. You literally passed out, luckily in your bed. I don’t want to see you like that again.” He didn’t want to feel like that again either. He didn’t want to worry Jooheon and Kihyun even more by telling them, but he couldn’t even remember most of the events of the day before.

“I—” Changkyun’s voice cracked slightly as his hidden tears choked him. “I know.”

Kihyun stood suddenly, crossed to the bed in one stride, and plopped down beside him, wrapping his arms around the young rapper, who buried his head in his friend’s chest. At the same time, he could hear the shuffling of Jooheon’s clothes against the hardwood flooring as he scooted closer to the pair.

“I just didn’t know what to do.” Changkyun’s voice was muffled by Kihyun’s sweatshirt. Suddenly, all his hidden feelings were pouring forth. “No one wanted me here, and I thought if I practiced a lot, I could get better and show everyone that I—that I actually belonged here.” Kihyun just held him without saying anything, giving him a chance to let it all out. He felt Jooheon place a warm, comforting hand on his knee. “It didn’t even work, but I didn’t know what else to do.” He felt a twinge of pain when Kihyun’s arm brushed against the bruises on his back.

“But you have us now. I know we weren’t exactly welcoming at first, but it’s going to be different now,” Jooheon’s quiet but reassuring voice came from somewhere around his knees. Changkyun pulled back from Kihyun and wiped at his eyes with the long sleeves of his pajama shirt, sniffling as he did so. “We’ll be here, and you can spend as much time with us as you want—maybe even more than you want.” Jooheon smiled at him and waggled his eyebrows in an attempt to cheer Changkyun up. The younger rapper smiled and let out a wet laugh in response.

“We want you to be able to feel at home here and to rest whenever you want and need to,” Kihyun added. “So, please—”

The sudden knock on the door caused them all to jump slightly, and Changkyun hurriedly hid his eyes in case whoever it was decided to enter. “We’re leaving in thirty, guys.” Hyunwoo, ever the leader, called out to warm them. “If you’re going to eat or anything, you should hurry up.” Though his words may have sounded harsh, his tone was anything but.

Changkyun was thankful for his gentle reminder, and he immediately began to scrub the remaining sleep and the evidence of tears from his eyes and face. At the mention of food, his stomach reminded him with a loud growl that he hadn’t eaten anything since lunch the day before. He fought back the blush that had arisen following the noise.

Kihyun lightly grabbed his arm. “Before we go, we want you to promise that you’re not going to be staying late at Starship anymore unless it’s really, truly necessary.” After yesterday, Changkyun honestly didn’t think that would be a problem.

He looked from Kihyun to Jooheon and gave his word that he would, indeed, come back from practice with the rest of the band. The other two smiled at him and stood, pulling him into a tight and comforting hug for a few moments before pulling away. “We should actually get a move on though, before Hyunwoo comes back.” He didn’t want to make their leader’s good mood vanish. He also wanted a chance to eat _something_ before his stomach started devouring itself.

Jooheon barked out a laugh as he turned away to grab his bag from next to Kihyun’s bed. “What? Are you scared of Hyunwoo? He’s just a big teddy bear, you know.” Changkyun laughed quietly at Jooheon’s words. “The muscles are deceiving, but don’t be fooled.”

He would keep that in mind, but in the meantime, he had better get a move on. A few steps to the right brought him to his and Minhyuk’s shared closet, and he pulled out his favorite light blue sweatshirt and a pair of black joggers. As he quickly changed clothes, his back facing toward the open closet doors, he heard Kihyun joking around about how Hyunwoo would react if he had heard Jooheon’s claims about him—not favorably from the terrified look Changkyun saw on Jooheon’s face when he glanced up.

Chuckling quietly to himself, Changkyun grabbed his things before gently reminding his friends about breakfast. He would need to find something quick to eat so he didn’t make them all late.

As he hurried toward the door, Kihyun called out, “Ah, we saved you some stuff from breakfast, Changkyun.” His stomach growled at the mere mention of food.

That warm feeling in his chest returned as he twisted to face them with a grateful look. “You’re my heroes. I don’t know how to thank you.” They smiled before gesturing for him head to the kitchen and following him out of the room when he took their advice.

As they passed through the open space of the living room, Changkyun noticed his other bandmates lounging around on the couches and talking, most likely waiting on him. He blushed and resolved to eat quickly. Jooheon and Kihyun didn’t seem to be in any sort of hurry though, as they selected a few containers from the counter and fridge and began to set out his breakfast on the table, despite his protests that he could do it himself.

Changkyun didn’t want to be babied, but he felt grateful that they had taken it upon themselves to care for him. “Thanks, mom and dad,” he called out softly and gave them a blinding smile when they turned to him in shock.

“Did you just—?” Jooheon broke off, mouth hanging open.

Kihyun’s widened eyes were evidence of his own surprise. Changkyun couldn’t help but laugh as he dropped into a chair at the kitchen table. He was soon joined by his friends, their own high-pitched laughter mixing with his deeper tone.

He ate breakfast quickly after that, because of both his hunger and his fear of angering the rest of the group. After finishing, he stood with the intention of washing his dishes before they left.

He was interrupted by Kihyun’s hand on his arm. “What are you doing?” Changkyun just looked at him in confusion. “We’ll take care of this. Go finish getting ready so we can leave sooner.”

Once again, his protests were silenced as Jooheon stood and gave him a light, friendly shove toward the hallway. And again, he made no move to suppress the warm feeling that spread through his chest at their kindness.

They kept him company for the rest of the morning. Throughout the van ride to Starship, and up until the moment they began practicing their dance, Kihyun and Jooheon continued quietly conversing with him about all the things they should have already known about each other—their families, hobbies, time in school.

Their chatter wasn’t silenced until Hyunwoo called out that practice was about to begin. Changkyun’s spirits soared at their leader’s lighthearted tone and his friends’ innocent grumbles. Practice wouldn’t be so bad with at least a few supportive bandmates.

For the first time in a long while, he was able to actually enjoy dancing again without having to worry about snarky comments from the trainees or looks from his bandmates. The latter were uncharacteristically thoughtful throughout the day. Hyungwon even sent a smile his way when he nailed a particularly difficult move. Hyunwoo’s kindness did, however, make Changkyun suspicious about whether the older man had overheard his conversation with Kihyun and Jooheon earlier that morning. He hadn’t said anything, but he seemed to be in a fairly good mood, so Changkyun was simply going to accept this blessing.

Admittedly, a full night’s sleep had done wonders for his physical and mental state, although he still felt the aftereffects of going so long without proper sleep. By the end of the day, he could feel his feet dragging and his eyelids drooping a bit more than normal. His body, after going so long with so little sleep, couldn’t seem to adjust quickly to last night’s sleep overdose.

When Kihyun and Jooheon made supposedly subtle suggestions that he should go back to the dorm at the same time as everyone else, he readily agreed, just as he had promised them that morning. Judging from their lack of surprise, he figured that his sleepiness must have been pretty visible to them.

Although he tried to convince himself throughout the ride back that the others weren’t giving him strange looks, he was unable to do so once inside the dorm. Everyone immediately gathered around on the living room couches for what he supposed was their usual way to pass time after practice. Changkyun drifted toward the outskirts of the room, hoping to fend off any more looks of confusion about his presence. It was only to be expected though. After all, he hadn’t returned from practice together with the group for a few weeks now.

No one seemed in a hurry to shower, so he figured he would take advantage of the open bathroom. There was no way he would be able to stay awake long enough to wait until the rest of them were done, as he had been doing the past few weeks. While the warm shower soothed his sore muscles, it also made him even more tired. Although he longed for his bed, Changkyun dragged himself back toward the living room so as not to worry Kihyun and Jooheon—especially after they had taken such good care of him last night and throughout the day.

Peering into the room, he noticed that the plush chair toward the back was empty. He shuffled toward it quietly and lowered himself into it, hoping to avoid any unnecessary attention. Upon seeing him settle in, Kihyun made a beeline for his chair, followed by Jooheon, who both took up residence on the arms of the chair on either side of him. He smiled up at them and leaned into the padding, his head resting on the back so that he could peer up at the ceiling. The sleepiness that had been creeping in steadily since the afternoon made itself known once again as his eyelids slid closed. The other members’ conversation lulled him into a state between sleep and wakefulness.

He was awoken by a gentle shake of his left shoulder. As he blinked his eyes open, he was met with Jooheon’s smirking face hovering over his. “You know, you’re really cute when you sleep, Changkyun.” Heat rose unbidden to his cheeks at Jooheon’s words and he swatted at the other rapper’s hand playfully. As he pushed himself to sit on the edge of the chair, he caught sight of Kihyun standing to his right. “We woke you up for dinner because you really need to eat, but after that, we promise you can go back to sleep.” They were taking such good care of him—he felt bad about how much they seemed to be worrying about him.

“Yeah, and tomorrow’s Saturday, so we’re all taking the day off. You can sleep in as long as you want,” Kihyun called out with a laugh as he walked toward the kitchen, gesturing for Changkyun to follow him. Jooheon trailed behind Changkyun with a hand on his shoulder.

Although later he wouldn’t really recall what they had eaten for dinner, at the time, his stomach rejoiced at the reintroduction of a normal eating schedule. The hot, comfortable weight of the food in his stomach and the warmth of Kihyun and Jooheon on either side of him once again soothed his slight nervousness at eating with the rest of the band. Before long he relaxed into conversation with them. Even Hyunwoo threw in a few comments of his own.

That comforting warmth also clouded his head, and he could feel the prickling behind his eyes that signaled a need for sleep. Still, he didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere around the table. When he realized he had drifted a little, he merely jolted himself back to awareness and concentrated on the conversation Minhyuk and Hyungwon were having about some drama that seemed to have captured their attention for the past few weeks. Thankfully, he hadn’t spilled anything from the bowl gripped loosely in his hand.

After forcing himself back to awareness three more times, he clumsily shoved the last bite of food into his mouth and set the bowl on the table with a light thump, unaware that everyone had witnessed his battle with sleep.

Although Hoseok and Minhyuk seemed unaffected by the actions of the youngest, the rest of the group just looked at Changkyun with amused smiles. Jooheon couldn’t help but let a giggle escape as Changkyun’s head slowly drooped down, almost level with the edge of the table.

As the others turned back to their conversations, Kihyun gently pushed at Changkyun’s shoulder, causing the younger man to jerk his head up with a deep breath and fix his bloodshot eyes on his friend. “You know you can go to sleep anytime, right?” Kihyun asked, biting his lip to hold back his laughter.

“Hmm?” Changkyun’s blurry-eyed confusion was met with a sweet smile from Kihyun.

“You’re looking a little tired,” Kihyun tried again. “You can go to sleep now if you want.”

Changkyun blinked at him rapidly as if to shake the cobwebs from his brain. “Mm, yeah. I think I’m going to go then.” Because his slightly slurred words betrayed his state of exhaustion, the rest of the group was surprised to see that he remembered to bow politely at his seniors after rising from the chair. “Goodnight.”

Changkyun, in turn, was surprised to hear a response not just from Kihyun and Jooheon, but also from Hyunwoo and Hyungwon. He shared a shy smile with the older men and gave Kihyun’s shoulder a light squeeze as he stepped away from the table and made his way toward the bedrooms.

It was almost impossible to think that a few weeks ago, his bandmates couldn’t stand to even look at him, let alone be in his presence. Now Kihyun and Jooheon had become his friends. Hyunwoo and Hyungwon were actually being welcoming toward him now. He raised a hand to scratch at his nose as he passed through the bedroom doorway and gently closed the door behind him. Although Hoseok and Minhyuk weren’t exactly pleasant toward him, they weren’t being antagonistic either, which was cause enough for celebration.

The sudden shift made him wonder, however. Changkyun changed clothes slowly, muscles still a little sore and mind foggy. Wasn’t it all just too good to be true? He lowered himself into bed and pulled the covers to his chin, but he suddenly couldn’t seem to relax enough to close his eyes and let sleep take him. What if he woke up to find that it had all been a dream?

Rolling over to face Kihyun’s empty bunk, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. No, it was definitely real, he reassured himself, desperate for sleep. He lay there awake for another fifteen minutes or so before turning onto his back, ripping the covers away from his body in frustration, and covering his eyes with his forearm. At the shuffling noise coming from the direction of the door, Changkyun removed his arm and glanced behind him to meet the eyes of Kihyun.

“What are you still doing up?” The shock on his friend’s face had him twisting back around to face the foot of his bed.

“I don’t know.” Although he knew how whiney he sounded, Changkyun couldn’t seem to dredge up enough energy to care. “Can’t fall sleep.”

Kihyun slid toward the bed slowly, as if approaching a wild animal. The imagery wasn’t lost on Changkyun, who sighed. “Would it help if I kept you company for a while?”

Would it? Changkyun shrugged his shoulders, but halfway through the motion began nodding his head, his mind made up. He might as well have Kihyun’s comforting presence around for a bit. The older man simply smiled and took a seat on the edge of his bed, Changkyun scooting toward the wall to make more room. “Sorry you’ve had to take care of me so much lately.” Changkyun’s words were muffled by the pillow, but he was sure Kihyun had heard him, judging by his friend’s vigorous shake of his head.

“You don’t need to apologize for anything, Changkyun.” His attention was suddenly drawn to Kihyun’s fingers that had begun brushing through the young rapper’s hair. Eyes closing and body relaxing at the soft touch, he almost missed Kihyun’s next words. “I’m doing it because I care about you. And Jooheon does too, you know.” Changkyun opened his eyes to stare up at his friend, who had unknowingly touched on the very subject that had been tormenting Changkyun. “And you must have noticed that the others are coming around too.” Changkyun nodded sleepily. He had noticed, yes. Now that Kihyun himself had pointed it out, he could be certain that it hadn’t just been his imagination.

“Thanks, Kihyun,” Changkyun murmured, eyes closing as he tucked his face into his pillow. The man’s presence and his words seemed to have done the trick because Changkyun’s brain had begun to feel fuzzy and his limbs heavy.

“Did you remember to turn off your alarm?” Kihyun’s question seemed so far away, and Changkyun thought hard for a moment before conveying with a shake of his head that he had, in fact, forgotten. Kihyun’s quiet laughter and his warm touch on Changkyun’s scalp were the last gentle pushes the young rapper needed to enter into the land of dreams.


	5. Chapter Five

The quick passage of time in the next couple of weeks seemed surreal to Changkyun. Kihyun and Jooheon made it easy for him to actually enjoy his time at practice and at the dorm when he joined the rest of his bandmates in their free time. Hyunwoo and Hyungwon had also begun to send him words of encouragement during practice and to include him in their conversations. Soon enough, they came to him to apologize.

Hyungwon was the first of the two to approach him, catching the young rapper one night not long before they both returned to their rooms to sleep. Just as he had with the others, Changkyun accepted his words without hesitation, and their conversation ended with Hyungwon wrapped around Changkyun’s upper arm and his chin resting on the young rapper’s shoulder. Warmth spread from the points of contact, and Changkyun couldn’t help but smile back at the older man, happy to have finally broken down the barrier that had stood between them. Afterward, Hyungwon stepped away quickly, as if embarrassed, but Changkyun felt a sense of peace at the older man’s apology and his efforts thereafter to be friendlier.

Hyunwoo had followed suit the next day, pulling Changkyun aside after their evening recording session while the others were distracted. “I’m sorry for how I acted before, and I’m sorry I didn’t do anything to stop the others.” Hyunwoo maintained eye contact while he apologized, and Changkyun could tell he meant every word. “I’m the leader, and I should have made sure everyone was getting along, but instead I let my own feelings get in the way of welcoming you.” Changkyun swallowed back the protests that had risen in his throat and gazed down at the stain patterns in the hardwood flooring of the hallway. Hyunwoo wasn’t the type of person to accept reassurances when he thought himself to be at fault. “We’re all a part of Monsta X, and we need to start acting like it, so I hope that you’ll accept my apology…even if I don’t deserve it.”

Of course, Changkyun wasn’t going to let him walk away still feeling guilty. Glancing up into their leader’s eyes, he said, “The fact that you’re speaking to me now makes all the difference. I understand why it was hard to accept me into the group. I don’t hold a grudge about that. But we’ve gotten past that point, so there’s nothing else to worry about.” As the words faded into silence, Changkyun met Hyunwoo’s look of surprise with a big smile, hoping to assuage any guilt the older man might still be feeling.

By apologizing, Hyunwoo and Hyungwon had unknowingly brought down the wall separating Changkyun from the group. Although Minhyuk and Hoseok had yet to voluntarily include him in any conversation or activity, their obvious disapproval at his presence had disappeared. Their negative comments about his dancing and vocals had all but ceased, and Changkyun felt as if he were finally able to breathe easier during practices, meetings, press events—really, anything that involved them as Monsta X.

The others didn’t mention it, but they had witnessed this change in Changkyun. He was able to concentrate more deeply without worrying about their reactions, and it showed in his performance. His true personality, complete with his special brand of humor, had also come into play during the few interviews and public appearances they had had. Despite the few chinks that remained in Monsta X’s visage, they were coming together as one—a true group. With a little more hard work, their relationship would be flawless in time for their debut.

* * *

For whatever reason, Changkyun had been struggling all day to master the new dance routine for one of their songs. Although the others had experienced their own difficulties, Changkyun couldn’t seem to keep rhythm with his bandmates and the music. His pace was always slightly off, which caused his portions of the performance to be rushed and out of sync.

Aside from quiet huffs of frustration from Minhyuk, the members of Monsta X did their best to keep from showing the irritation they must have been feeling. When they took a break, Kihyun assured Changkyun that they all came across that one dance that challenged them more than any other. That didn’t stop the young rapper from feeling guilty for holding them back once again. Even though the others didn’t say it, he could see that they were exhausted and ready to go back to the dorm.

After speaking with Hyunwoo, and subsequently reassuring a concerned Kihyun and Jooheon that he wouldn’t be going back to his old habits, Changkyun decided to stay behind and practice. “I’ll be back by nine,” he promised from his stretching position on the floor. If he couldn’t make progress by then, he would at least take a break for the night before continuing the next morning.

Changkyun said his goodbyes and received words of encouragement. As he watched them leave with a feeling akin to longing, he noticed that Hoseok also parted from the group with the intention of staying late. Judging from his mood throughout the day, he would probably be going to the gym to work off some frustration.

With a sigh as the door shut behind his bandmates, Changkyun stood and stretched his arms above his head, feeling his spine pop and his muscles loosen, before turning the music back on and hurrying to his spot on the floor.

The tension left his body as he focused his attention on the beat of the music and the rhythm of his moves, although they were still slightly off-beat. He knew that his timing was the problem—at some points, he moved too slowly and at others, too quickly to make up for it. At least alone, though, he could focus on the trouble spots that he wasn’t able to move through as quickly. The music faded out. Without the others, he could repeat the steps as often as he found necessary. 

With new determination, Changkyun pressed play again, this time waiting for the spots that had given him so much trouble throughout the day. After having watched the choreography all day, he knew the steps by heart—he just needed to help his body remember.

After almost an hour of practicing, he couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face upon seeing the progress he had made. If he ran through the song a few more times, he could get home even earlier and still be able to keep up with his bandmates in practice the next day.

Once he could actually perform the difficult parts of the choreography satisfactorily, he decided to practice the song in its entirety. His chest heaved and sweat dampened his back and chest, but he completed his run-through. As he danced through the song for the second time, however, the door to the practice room opened.

Although he had planned to continue his steps, the sight of Dohyun and a few other trainees made his arms and legs falter and his heart drop. Changkyun hadn’t had a run-in with the trainees in weeks—aside from a few shoves and glares in the hallways when his bandmates weren’t around. He should have guessed that he would be due for an encounter with them soon.

Swallowing and fighting down the discomfort at seeing them again, Changkyun continued the choreography and attempted to ignore the trainees, who had leaned against the mirrors and fixed him within their sights. They didn’t seem to have plans to leave anytime soon, but that was fine because Changkyun would be on his way as soon as he finished dancing and put away the stereo.

As the music neared its end and he finished up what was, admittedly, not his best performance, he walked quickly to the stereo and began packing it away. His hopes that they had just come to watch and intimidate him seemed to have been answered as they allowed him to pass without harassment to put away the stereo.

When he stepped around them to grab his bag, his eyes fixed firmly on the floor rather than their faces, the five of them circled around him, forcing him to take a step back. His shoulders met the cold mirrors behind him as he stood with his bag in his grasp. He raised his eyes to look Dohyun in the face. Despite this small act of defiance, the young rapper knew better than to say anything.

“We haven’t seen you in a while, I.M.” Dohyun tilted his head to the left as he stared at the rapper with a smirk. “Where’ve you been hiding?”

Changkyun didn’t answer, wishing they would get bored and walk away, though he knew it was a long shot.

“We saw that you actually made some friends in your group.” Changkyun turned his head to the left to stare at the older man—his name wouldn’t come to mind. Were they actually bringing his bandmates into this? The man’s face, while it would have normally been attractive, twisted into an arrogant smirk. “How long do you think that’ll last once they find out how you got into Monsta X?”

Changkyun frowned, and the words spilled out of his mouth before he could stop them. “What are you talking about?” He cursed himself silently for falling for their bait.

Dohyun’s snort and laughter drew his attention back toward the center of their semicircle. “What, you expected everyone to believe you got in because of your rapping and dancing skills?” The two men to his right snickered as Changkyun looked at them in confusion. What the hell were they talking about?

“Oh, save your confused act for your friends—they’re the ones who are going to be pissed. I mean, it’s your fault their true friends were eliminated from No.Mercy, and you won’t even own up to it.” This again? He already knew it was his fault that Gunhee and the others had been sent home, not matter what Kihyun and Jooheon told him, but that had nothing to do with _how_ he had entered the show.

The young rapper glared back at the group and asked once again what they were talking about. “I entered the competition late, but I joined the same way as everyone else did.” Yes, he felt guilty about Gunhee, but he hadn’t done anything he wasn’t supposed to do as a trainee. Just as Starship had chosen the other contestants, they had chosen him to compete, albeit later than everyone else.

“Yeah, but that’s not what we heard.” The man to his left took a step closer. “You know, a lot of people think you were _promised_ to debut with Monsta X.” Changkyun’s eyes widened as the words entered his mind and bounced around in his skull. His heart skipped a beat before it began to pound. “They just put you into No.Mercy to make it seem real.”

“W-what? N-no!” They had it all wrong! Changkyun shook his head. His heart beat faster and faster. “That’s not true!” He’d had the same chance as the others of being chosen.

“Oh, really?” One of the guys to his right started in. Although Changkyun hadn’t seen him around much, he knew that he was one of the trainees who had been at Starship for a while. “Then why else would they choose _you_ over the other rappers. You haven’t been here very long, and it isn’t like you’re more talented than them. You definitely aren’t more successful than them,” he reminded the young rapper with a smirk.

Changkyun’s gaze shifted to settle on the man’s shirt, unable to look him in the eyes any longer. His heart pounded against his ribcage as he stuttered out excuses. What could he even say in his defense? He didn’t even know why Starship had chosen to put him in later than the rest or how he had managed to win a spot in Monsta X. He only knew that it was the truth.

Lowering his gaze to the floor, Changkyun attempted to give another excuse, any that would come to mind, but his words were cut off by another accusation from Dohyun. “Some people are saying you _fucked_ your way in.”

Changkyun’s wide eyes shot up to meet the man’s hard stare. “I didn’t!” How could they even think that? “I would _never_ —”

“You can deny it all you want, but it’s one of the only explanations.”

“N-no! You’re wrong!” Changkyun raised his voice to be heard over their taunting laughter. He could feel his heartbeat and breathing accelerate. He had to make them understand.

Their leader stepped forward, crowding the young man and glowering at him. “Don’t you fucking yell at me like that again, brat. Just because you’re ashamed of your actions doesn’t give you the right to disrespect your seniors.”

“But I—”

“So who was it?” The trainee to his left cut across him, and Changkyun’s attention was redirected once again. “One of the managers? Someone a little higher up?” Oh god, if they spread these rumors around Starship, what would happen?

Changkyun shook his head, gripped his bag more tightly, and opened his mouth, only for his words to be drowned out once again by the older man to his right. “Or was it more than one person?” His head was spinning as he tried to focus on the new voice.

“Damn! I didn’t even think of that!” the one to his left shouted with a cynical laugh. “How many was it, I.M?”

Shame burned his face at his perceived crime. How could they even suggest that he would do such a thing? “No one! I—”

“It’s okay, you can tell us,” their leader cut him off with a soothing voice that they all knew to be fake. He pressed himself back against the mirrors and shook his head, not trusting himself to speak past the lump that had appeared in his throat.

“I mean, everyone already knows you did it, so there’s no use in hiding it now.” Their leader took a step closer. As if to prove that his day could, in fact, get a little worse, Changkyun started to feel the tell-tale prickling at the corners of his eyes. Not now!

“Even the fans know you fucked your way in.” The man’s voice was softer now, but no less biting in its accusations. At that, Changkyun couldn’t stop himself from looking up into the man’s eyes in horror. The fans believed that?

“Look.” The man to his left brandished his smartphone toward Changkyun’s face, but the young rapper couldn’t bring himself to take it for fear of what he would see. That didn’t seem to deter the older man, who began to read the comments aloud. “‘We all know there’s no way I.M made it into the group because of talent. There’s definitely something questionable happening here.’”

The fans really thought of him that way—as some talentless trainee who had cheated his way into the group. With the sudden knife to his heart and the lump in his throat constricting his speech, Changkyun could do nothing but listen. Part of him was desperate to run away and block out whatever was being said, but another part of him, the stronger part it seemed, couldn’t help but listen to the words of poison flowing from the mouth of the trainee.

“‘The worst part is that the other members of Monsta X have to get along with him even though they know he doesn’t deserve to be there.’” With each word, the knife in his heart twisted, and he couldn’t hold back the burning behind his eyes any longer. His back pressed harder against the mirrors as tears dripped silently down his cheeks and splashed on the ground below him. “And my personal favorite, ‘Someone like I.M definitely had to fuck his way into the group because there’s no way he—’”

“That’s enough!”

The trainees whipped around to face the open door. Changkyun wiped his eyes with a shaky hand and continued to lean against the mirrors without raising his head. He would recognize Hoseok’s voice anywhere, even when it was filled with that seething anger.

“Are you questioning the choices of our managers, of Starship? You think people can just sleep their way into a group here?” The anger in his voice was unmistakable to the trainees, judging by their stammering denial.

“W-Wonho. N-no, it’s not that.” Dohyun, who had been so sure of his words before, had been reduced to a stuttering mess at Hoseok’s threatening tone. Even the brashest of trainees knew better than to piss off their seniors—they wouldn’t do anything to cross him now. Changkyun couldn’t even enjoy their sudden lack of confidence because his heart had come to rest in his stomach, and he was still furtively wiping away tears from their earlier words while doing his best not to look at his bandmate.

“Then what _is_ it? That’s what it sounded like to me.” As Hoseok’s shoes squeaked across the wooden floor toward them, the trainees shifted nervously. No one responded.

“We just thought—”

“No, you _didn’t_ think.” His steps ended right in front of their group, but Changkyun continued to avert his gaze, finding the small drops of salt water on the floor to be more interesting. “If you have time to waste by spreading shit rumors, maybe you should spend more time practicing.” Surely the implication that they didn’t work hard enough would anger the trainees, but they kept their tempers under control and began to file past Hoseok silently, slamming the door shut behind them in one last act of defiance. Changkyun was sure he hadn’t seen the last of them.

He scrubbed gently at his eyes, hoping to wipe away as much evidence of his tears as possible. Realizing the futility, he turned away from Hoseok, wanting to at least avert his gaze. This too, was useless. As he turned, and looked at the wall to his right, his eyes met Hoseok’s in the floor-to-ceiling mirrors. The look on the older man’s face, a combination of shock and some other soft emotion, was enough to start Changkyun’s tears anew. Clutching his bag tighter to his chest, he coughed a little to clear his throat before giving the older man a watery half-smile and a croaky expression of his gratitude, not quite sure how he would take it.

“You don’t need to thank me for something like that,” Hoseok told him gruffly. “Look, I know I’ve been a dick.” At this admission, he looked a little uncomfortable. “But I’m not going to let them bully you like that.” Swallowing past the lump that had taken residence in his throat, Changkyun readied himself to say something, anything to Hoseok, but he was beaten to the chase. “Even with the situation as it is, we know you wouldn’t go as far as sleeping around to get into Monsta X, and most of the fans know it too.”

‘Most of the fans,’ but not all of them. That was the problem. Some of their fans _did_ believe it, and that was enough to derail Changkyun’s hopes of being accepted as the last member of Monsta X. “Thanks, Hoseok,” he whispered, voice rough from tears both shed and unshed, as he lowered his gaze again.

“Why’d they even come in here anyway? Why were they bothering you?” Although he could tell that Hoseok had tried for a nonchalant tone, he hadn’t been able to mask the curiosity that leaked through.

Changkyun cleared his throat as he decided how to respond, still staring at the floor. “I’m not really sure why, but I guess they’re just angry that I’m…going to debut before them? I don’t really know…” That bit was true, at least. He wasn’t completely sure why they had singled him out to be their target. Perhaps because he was the youngest in the group, quite a bit younger than that particular group of trainees. That hardly seemed like a good enough reason though. They had accused him of fucking his way into the group, so maybe they harbored ill will toward him because they felt he hadn’t done his fair share of work before debuting. He shrugged, hoping Hoseok would drop the conversation. Whatever their reason, he was sure they would be back when the older man wasn’t around.

Hoseok was silent for a moment, and Changkyun took that as a cue to leave, but when he took a small step toward the door, Hoseok’s voice called out softly, “Is this the first time they’ve done something like this?” Shit.

Changkyun’s step faltered, and he kept his eyes firmly rooted on the floor. “Y-yeah. They haven’t really bothered me before now.” Please don’t ask about it, please don’t pry. It won’t do anyone any good.

“Really? Because it didn’t seem that way to me.” It’s no big deal. Just let it go.

Changkyun stayed silent, hoping against hope that Hoseok would drop the issue and allow him to keep his dignity by not making him admit that he was being bullied like a child. There was no need for Hoseok to know about the way the trainees had been treating Changkyun, especially since that might lead to him informing the rest of the group, which would really just be embarrassing.

Although his silence was probably answer enough, Hoseok didn’t ask again. “If you ever want to talk about it…” At Changkyun’s confused look, he tried again. “I know I’ve been a dick, and I’m sorry. But if you ever need to talk about…this,” he waved his arms around them as if indicating the situation, “and you don’t want the others to know…I’ll be there.” Although Hoseok turned away from Changkyun with the red flush of embarrassment on his cheeks, the young rapper could easily recognize the sincerity in his words.

Changkyun cleared his throat. “Ah, just…one thing.” Hoseok turned, expression open and focused on him. “Could you please not mention this to the others? It’s not a big deal, and I don’t want them to worry…” Please, please just go along with it.

Hoseok studied him for a moment, making Changkyun squirm, before nodding and grunting in agreeance.

He bowed his head and whispered another quiet “thank you.”

In response, Hoseok raised a hand toward the door and took a step in the same direction. “C’mon. Let’s head back to the dorm.” The corners of Changkyun’s lips curled upward in a small smile as he followed the older man in the direction of home.


	6. Chapter Six

In the weeks after he had witnessed the other trainees harassing Changkyun, Hoseok’s opinion of the younger man had changed drastically. The kid had been dealing with their bullying on his own for some time now—that was obvious, no matter how much he had tried to deny it. Hoseok and the others hadn’t exactly welcomed him with open arms either.

He sighed and rolled over on his bed, pulling the sheets and blankets with him.

He still found it a bit difficult to hold back sighs and frowns of frustration when Changkyun messed up during practice, but he had stopped himself from making any snide comments toward the younger man. If he was about to make a remark that he would never make toward one of the other members, he stamped it down before it left his throat. Despite the way Changkyun had entered Monsta X, he’d come to realize that it wasn’t fair for him to target the kid, especially with the trainees treating him as they had been.

Shaking that thought from his mind, Hoseok shuffled to the edge of his bed and stood. He remained in place for a few moments, stretching and yawning, before making his way toward the living room, where he could hear the rest of his bandmates lazing around on their rare day off. Upon entering the room, he noticed the absence of two members.

“Where’s Changkyun?” he asked as he plopped down on the couch next to Hyungwon and took a look around the room. “And Kihyun?”

The man beside him blinked sluggishly, sleepy as always, before replying. “They left a little while ago to get a few things form the store.” Hoseok smiled as Hyungwon’s head came to rest on his shoulder. Hyungwon laughed before continuing. “Changkyun looked like a puppy being taken for a walk.” Hoseok cracked a grin at hearing the comparison.

From his spot in front of the chair across from them, Minhyuk huffed and made a face. “I don’t get why everyone’s suddenly so concerned about him.” He leaned back against Hyunwoo’s legs.

With a scoff, Jooheon leaned forward from his spot on the other side of Hyungwon. “Maybe because we realized how shitty we were being.” He glanced between Hyungwon and Hyunwoo before settling his gaze on Minhyuk. “Changkyun didn’t deserve to be treated that way.”

Minhyuk met Jooheon’s comment with a look of disbelief. “‘Didn’t deserve to be treated that way’? Jooheon, I didn’t think _you_ of all people would say something like that.” Minhyuk’s arms flailed around him as he spoke, a sure sign of his irritation. “You were closest with Gunhee, and now you’re saying it’s fine that Changkyun stole his spot?!”

Hyungwon removed his head from Hoseok’s shoulder and met the older man’s eyes with a look of concern as Jooheon sprung up from his seat to stand between the couch and the coffee table. “That’s not what I’m saying, Minhyuk! I’m just as pissed as you that Gunhee was eliminated, and yeah, I’m pissed that Changkyun was promised to debut.” His words came out in a rush, betraying his agitation. “But it happened! Changkyun is a part of our group, and that’s not going to change.”

Hoseok cut in before Minhyuk could respond in anger. “Besides, it’s not like Changkyun could have bribed his way in or anything. He isn’t rich, and his family doesn’t have any connections or anything, right?” Looking around at the rest of the group, he noticed that he had their attention. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.” Not that he was going to tell them _why_ the topic had been on his mind. “And to be honest, it was probably some trick of the company’s to catch attention.” There really didn’t seem to be another explanation for it. “It wouldn’t be the first time a company has pulled something like that, even if it was shitty of them to do it so late in the show.”

“It doesn’t matter _why_ he was promised to debut,” Minhyuk countered. “What matters is that he agreed to it at the cost of other trainees.”

Hyungwon spoke up for the first time, his quiet voice demanding their attention. “And what would you have done, Minhyuk?” Although his question seemed almost accusatory, his tone was anything but. “Changkyun did what he had to do as a trainee. And anyway, if the company was set on this plan, they probably didn’t really give him much choice in the matter. You know how they can be, Minhyuk.” Hoseok could tell by the way Minhyuk’s face was softening that they were reaching him.

Hyunwoo cleared his throat, drawing everyone’s attention to him before speaking. “At this point, it doesn’t matter _how_ Changkyun was added to the group. Yes, it was hard to say goodbye to all our friends, and it didn’t seem fair that Changkyun came in so late.” He looked down at Minhyuk gently. “But it’s been months. He’s a permanent part of our group—just as much as you and me. He’s not going anywhere, and it’s not fair to wish that he wasn’t here.” Minhyuk turned away to look down at his lap, and Hoseok knew he would be convinced before long. He had just needed a gentle push in the right direction.

“And Changkyun’s a good guy,” Jooheon blurted out as he fell back into the couch, which creaked as if in protest at the rough treatment. “He’s nice, and he works really hard. And he’s got a good sense of humor!” The rapper laughed as Hyungwon groaned good-naturedly, having been witness to the kid’s special brand of comedy.

Although Hoseok still had some misgivings about the younger man, he couldn’t deny Jooheon’s words. Changkyun was a genuinely nice guy. He helped Kihyun out with cooking, he helped clean up messes that weren’t even his, and he cared about the other members—that much was obvious. Hoseok leaned back and pulled his feet up underneath him. He had seen Changkyun on more than one occasion asking the others if they needed anything when they were busy or if they were okay when they looked a little down. He himself had even been on the receiving end of the younger man’s ministrations recently.

 “We also need to think about what’s best for the group,” Hyunwoo spoke up again. “We need to make sure that everyone in the group is comfortable, not only for ourselves, but also for the fans.” Hoseok nodded, realizing the truth in their leader’s words. If they weren’t happy as a group, the fans would notice and be unhappy as well. He figured they had made it through their public appearances so far only because Kihyun and Jooheon had acted as a buffer between Changkyun and the rest of them. 

“I get it,” Minhyuk sighed. “It’s just… It’s still not _fair_ that he got a free ride. We worked so hard, and we sacrificed so much to get here, and then he just waltzed in and got a spot with no problem.”

“We’re not saying it’s fair, Minhyuk,” Hoseok reminded him. “But we need to make the best of the situation, right? No matter what happened before, we need to be a real group now. Debut is approaching.” They needed to be ready. They needed to be as close to flawless as they could be. That included the relationship between members.

Minhyuk nodded. “I know.” His response was quiet, but the rest of the group knew he was thinking over what they had said. He would come around, Hoseok knew. It was only a matter of time.

At the loss of tension in the room, everyone settled back into whatever they had been doing before their informal family meeting—albeit, slightly quieter than before.

It couldn’t have been much later when they heard the sound of the front door unlocking to admit the last two members of their group. An unfamiliar, deep-pitched laughter surprised Hoseok for a moment before he realized that it belonged to Changkyun. It wasn’t a sound he had heard often, if at all, he realized with a jolt. That was a problem that lay with him rather than the younger man.

Just then, Kihyun peeked into the living room and leaned around the corner. Although his arms were laden with plastic shopping bags, he was able to drag a still chuckling Changkyun into the doorway with him. The youngest member, hands full with his own set of bags, greeted them with a smile and a slight bow—still a bit formal around the senior members—before moving to stand next to Jooheon. Hoseok returned his greeting with a smile and wave from his place on the couch, sincerely hoping the younger man wouldn’t notice any residual tension in the room.

“Changkyun and I are making dinner tonight,” Kihyun told them with a smile. Hoseok and Hyungwon shared a look of excitement. It was always worth celebrating when Kihyun cooked for them. “But you guys have to clean up afterward,” he added with a smirk upon seeing their looks of joy.

Jooheon whooped and nodded his head vigorously. Everyone could agree that that was a fair tradeoff. Changkyun smiled and chuckled at Jooheon’s antics, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “What are you going to make?” Jooheon asked curiously as he leaned over the arm of the couch to peek into Changkyun’s shopping bags.

The younger rapper pulled the bags behind him with a theatrical gasp and yelled out in English, “No! No looking! It’s a secret!” Hoseok and Kihyun let out barks of laughter upon hearing Jooheon sniffle and seeing his pouty lips.

“We’ll let you know when it’s ready,” Kihyun informed them with a laugh as he and Changkyun turned toward the kitchen.

“Yes, yes, yes!” Jooheon danced around in his seat, causing Hyungwon and Hoseok to bounce around and the couch to groan and squeak in agony. “We’re so lucky!”

“Oi, calm down,” Hoseok fired at him with a playful glare. “It’s going to be a while before we eat, so there’s no use being this excited about it already.”

Jooheon only shrugged off his comment and started a conversation with Hyungwon. Hoseok relaxed back into the couch and looked around the room. His eyes came to rest on Minhyuk, who seemed to be deep in thought over something—most likely their earlier conversation about Changkyun—as he stared at a section of wall across the room. He knew Minhyuk would come around, just as Hoseok himself had. All it had taken was a little push in the right direction.

With a quiet sigh, Hoseok sank more deeply into the cushions and pulled his phone from his pocket to check his social media accounts. A peaceful quiet settled over the room, broken only by Changkyun and Kihyun’s occasional bouts of laughter and the scraping of silverware on bowls.

Jooheon’s earlier excitement came rushing back a couple of hours later when Changkyun poked his head into the living room and told them with a smile that the food was ready. Naturally, Jooheon was the first to spring from the couch. He hastily grabbed Changkyun by the arm as he passed and pulled the shocked rapper behind him toward the kitchen, shouting “Let’s eat!” to the rest of the members.

Hoseok and Hyungwon shared a fond eye-roll at the younger man’s excitement but followed him toward the delightful smells that had been emanating from the kitchen for the past few hours. They all settled into the chairs surrounding the table, which was laden with individual dishes of rice, cooked vegetables, and kimchee. At the center, Kihyun and Changkyun had placed a platter of chicken, a smaller plate of mandu, and a pot of jjigae.

When Hyungwon made a soft joke about the random assortment of food, Kihyun answered with a smirk that Changkyun had practically begged for chicken at the super market. The youngest member blushed but denied Kihyun’s words fervently, and the rest of them laughed, not believing him for a second.

“Dig in,” Kihyun ushered them toward the food with a wave of his hand. Jooheon wasted no time in reaching for one of the mandu, and the rest of them followed suit. Hoseok didn’t bother trying to hold back his bark of laughter at seeing Changkyun go straight for the chicken. The younger sent him an embarrassed glance and gave a quiet laugh of his own. 

Dinner was…not quite peaceful—not that it ever would be with seven guys living together—but relaxing in a way. Even Minhyuk, who had been looking a little lost since their talk earlier, had returned to his normal self and spent the rest of the meal chatting and giggling. Hoseok, happy to see that his friend had resettled into his normal role, tuned into the conversation Changkyun and Hyunwoo were having across the table about the rapper’s apparent addiction to gaming apps.

“It’s not actually an addiction, Hyunwoo,” Changkyun told him in a matter-of-fact tone, waving his hand back and forth as if to dispel their leader’s words. “I could quit any time I want to,” Changkyun declared before biting into his chicken.

“Then why don’t you?” Hyunwoo asked with an indulging smile and a tilt of his head.

Changkyun finished chewing and swallowed before replying, his voice deep and seemingly shocked as he stared up at their leader with wide-eyed innocence. “Because I don’t _want_ to.”

Hyunwoo just shook his head and chuckled.

“And that’s why it’s called an addiction, Changkyun,” Hoseok spoke up from his spot across from the younger man. He laughed quietly when Changkyun refused to look his way and started singing random, off-key notes to pretend he hadn’t heard Hoseok.

Having caught the tail-end of their conversation, the rest of the members laughed at Changkyun’s reaction, and Hoseok was pleased to note that even Minhyuk had given a quiet huff of amusement. As the dishes became emptier and their stomachs fuller, they all leaned back into their chairs, too tired from the food to move, but content with continuing their conversations.

It was maybe half an hour later when Changkyun leaned forward and began to stack some of the empty dishes together. The others followed his lead and stacked their own dishes to make the cleanup easier. As Changkyun rose from the table, a stack of dishes balanced in his arms, Hoseok called out to him, “Nah, just leave it here, Changkyun.” The younger man looked at him like a deer in headlights, all round eyes and confusion. “You and Kihyun prepared everything, so it’s only fair that the rest of us clean up,” Hoseok clarified with a glance around the table at the other members, who nodded and expressed their agreement.

Changkyun continued standing there, almost like a lost puppy. “Ah, it’s no trouble, really—”

Kihyun rolled his eyes good-naturedly and gently pulled Changkyun back into his seat, being careful not to send any of the dishes in the younger man’s arms crashing to the table or floor. “Hey, they’re offering, so let them take care of it,” Kihyun told Changkyun with a smile. He turned to Hoseok after making sure Changkyun had placed the dishes on the table once again. Although Kihyun was smiling, Hoseok felt a chill run down his spine. “Don’t forget all of that,” he reminded them, still smiling as he gestured behind Hoseok. He slowly turned his head to take in the mess of dirty dishes, left over ingredients, and bottles of sauces and seasonings that littered the kitchen counter.

Turning back toward the table, Hoseok groaned playfully before dragging himself out of his seat. “I guess we better get started, guys,” he called out to the others, who looked like they would rather be anywhere else. He paused before collecting dishes in order to send a reassuring smile in Changkyun’s direction because the younger man still looked a bit guilty for saddling them with the mess.

Next to him, Minhyuk stood and stretched before looking across the table. “Thanks for making dinner, Kihyun and Changkyun.” Although Hoseok continued to gather dishes so as not to bring more attention to Minhyuk, he glanced up quickly to see his friend send Changkyun a quick smile before he bent over to stack and collect the rice bowls and little individual dishes from everyone.

“A-ah, it was no problem!” Changkyun replied few seconds later, not able to keep the surprise from coloring his voice.

Hoseok glanced at the younger man to see his wide-eyed look of wonder directed at Minhyuk. When Changkyun’s gaze shifted and he caught Hoseok watching him, he looked down with a flustered expression of embarrassment that quickly turned into a soft smile. Hoseok didn’t bother to hide his own smile as he grabbed a stack of dishes and carried them to the counter behind him before clearing a space between some dirty mixing bowls—one filled with flour and one with some sticky looking concoction that had probably been used to flavor the chicken. He grimaced but returned to the table to grab the stack of dishes in front of Changkyun, ruffling his hair before picking them up. At the younger man’s playful yelp, he simply laughed and scampered away, careful not to drop anything.

As he and the others began cleaning up the kitchen, he noticed Kihyun pulling Changkyun into the living room, probably to make sure the younger man didn’t sneak in any help. Hoseok and Kihyun met each other’s eyes and smiled, both probably thinking the same thing. Changkyun was too nice for his own good. As Hoseok turned back to the dishes, he couldn’t help but feel guilty that it had taken him so long to notice that. While dumping used ingredients into the trash, he thought that he would just have to try harder to make it up to the kid.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter than normal because there wasn't really another good place to cut it off. Sorry~! I promise that the last three chapters will be longer. :)

It wasn’t even a week later that Kihyun was waking them up one by one in the morning for their next schedule. They were due for a photoshoot to promote their debut album. It was hard to believe it would be released in just under a month, but with all the preparation they had already put into it, it didn’t seem so impossible.

Changkyun rolled over sluggishly toward the edge of his bed, sliding his legs off at the last second to right himself before he fell to the floor. He gave a lazy smile as he laid eyes on Jooheon’s amused smirk from a few feet away. “Come on,” Jooheon called out as he traipsed over toward the younger man’s bed and grabbed at Changkyun’s limp arms. He groaned but allowed himself to be pulled to his feet, stumbling into Jooheon as he regained his balance.

As he got dressed, he noticed the return of the unnatural silence that had been gripping the group intermittently for the past few days. Naturally, they were all stressed with the deadline for debut approaching, and there were times when it seemed like speaking would break the spell that had brought them this far.

All of them had been paying even closer attention to their looks—Kihyun making sure they avoided greasy or otherwise unhealthy foods, and most of them hitting the gym more often than ever before. Still, Changkyun could clearly feel the excitement that bubbled just under all the stress. It threatened to overflow any time someone spoke of debut or mentioned their schedule until that point. That morning, the morning of their photoshoot, was no different.

Once the group had been taken to the chosen location, they sat patiently—or impatiently, in the case of Minhyuk and Jooheon—through their hair and makeup preparation. They were given instructions about the process for the day while surrounded by the cloying smell of cosmetics and hair products, though they had all become so used to the scent that it didn’t really bother them anymore.

Their manager, Kim SeongChan, informed them that the single shots would be taken first, by order of age, so Changkyun and Jooheon hung back and collapsed on the couches, knowing that they would have plenty of time to wait around and relax before it was their turn. As the older men finished up their solo shots, they were directed toward another room by the photographers’ assistants. Jooheon waved goodbye to them jokingly before mentioning to Changkyun that they were probably moving on to the small group shots of twos and threes.

Upon realizing that they would all have pair shots with each of the other members, Changkyun felt a small spike of anxiety. Jooheon must have felt him stiffen or seen the discomfort on his face because he wrapped an arm around the younger man’s shoulders and whispered a few reassurances low enough that the hair and makeup artists standing nearby wouldn’t overhear.

Changkyun did his best to relax until Jooheon was waved over by the photographers but couldn’t keep up the pretense once his friend was gone. Although they had made progress, he knew that not all of the others were particularly comfortable around him yet, and he really didn’t want that to show through in the shots that the company and the fans would see. If their discomfort was as obvious in the pictures as it was in the dorm and during practice, what would that mean for Changkyun’s place in Monsta X? He was in a kind of precarious situation as it was—added late to the fans’ and group members’ displeasure. It didn’t exactly bode well for his future.

Soon enough, it was his turn to be photographed, and thanks to the photographers’ friendly and joking approach, he had forgotten some of his anxiety by the time he finished with his own solo shots. It all came flooding back when he saw that everyone was waiting around to complete the pair shoot with him.

“Let’s pair up first!” Jooheon shouted excitedly as he skipped toward the younger rapper, drawing attention from both Changkyun and the photographers, who simply shrugged and agreed to start with the two youngest members. Jooheon’s free smiles and clingy familiarity with him during their shoot helped him relax, and he jotted down a mental note to thank his friend for that later, knowing he probably wouldn’t have been able to get through the day without him.

Changkyun was a bit surprised at the friendliness his other bandmates displayed toward him after that, both during and after the photos had been taken. Wide smiles, playful pokes, and funny faces behind the photographers’ backs—they worked wonders. Of course, he had expected nothing less from Kihyun. And Hyungwon and Hyunwoo had been downright friendly with him in the past month, so he hadn’t really expected them to be too distant or awkward around him. 

Hoseok and Minhyuk, on the other hand… He still wasn’t quite certain what to expect from them on a daily basis. While Hoseok had been outgoing toward him lately, he didn’t really know what the older man actually thought of him. The kind smiles he had been shooting Changkyun all day and the jokes he had murmured under his breath to make them laugh naturally just before the photographers took a photo—it all spoke of a casual familiarity that he hadn’t yet experienced one-on-one with Hoseok. He couldn’t deny that he was grateful though.

He was most surprised at Minhyuk’s attitude during the day. Although he had been much kinder and more accepting of Changkyun’s presence recently, he still seemed to have reservations about interacting with the young rapper. During the photoshoot, however, he had been…friendly. Although he wasn’t as open and cheerful with Changkyun as he was with their other bandmates, he had been kind.

When they first started their joint photoshoot, Changkyun’s nervousness must have been apparent on his face because the others were giving him small smiles and nods of encouragement from the sidelines. Changkyun had sensed that Minhyuk was also nervous because of the slightly trembling smile he shot toward the young rapper as he approached. He couldn’t deny the awkwardness between the two of them for the first few pair shots, but it dissolved soon enough with gentle prodding from the photographers and Minhyuk’s naturally outgoing personality.

When the older man was told to hug him, he hesitated for only a few seconds before wrapping his arms tightly around Changkyun’s shoulders and drawing him close. Immediately, he pulled back and looked down at Changkyun’s face. “You’re perfect for hugging,” he informed the younger man with a look of surprise. After a quiet scolding from the photographers for failing to keep the pose and a wide-eyed, silent response from Changkyun, Minhyuk simply laughed and hugged him again, tugging the shorter man into what the photographers proclaimed to be the perfect shot.

The rest of the morning seemed to pass in a haze of bright fabrics and flashing lights, and a comfortable comradery that, to Changkyun’s surprise, didn’t end with the photographs. When their manager took them out to lunch “to reward them for working so hard while preparing for debut,” Minhyuk went so far as to plop down into the chair closest to Changkyun before Kihyun and Jooheon could do so. Although they pouted slightly upon seeing that the older man had beaten them to the table, they couldn’t really be angry once they saw him taking the initiative to include Changkyun in conversation.

The young rapper did his best not to let his surprise show in an effort to avoid scaring off the bubbly older man who had, so far, attempted to keep contact with him to a minimum. Although he was confused by the sudden change of heart, he wasn’t one to question good fortune or bring up the past.

That was why, when Minhyuk pulled him aside just before their lunch break ended, Changkyun did his best not to look intimidated. He could tell by the slight downturn of Minhyuk’s lips and the small frown he wore that Changkyun hadn’t succeeded. He looked down at the ground instead of his bandmate’s face.

Minhyuk sighed, causing Changkyun’s heart to clench for a second before he heard the older man’s words. “Changkyun, I’m really sorry about how I’ve treated you.” When he glanced up in surprise, Minhyuk wouldn’t meet his eyes. “And I’m sorry I’m the last one to apologize about it. I’ve been horrible, and even though everyone else realized, I didn’t want to admit it, and I just kept being an ass and refusing to accept you, and I know I shouldn’t have acted that way.” Changkyun’s eyes and mouth had opened wide at the string of words spewing from Minhyuk’s mouth. He couldn’t even get a word in if he tried. “I j-just wanted to say that I’m so sorry!” Minhyuk bowed deeply for a few seconds as Changkyun stared at him in astonishment. When he noticed that the older man hadn’t moved from his position, he stuttered out something he hoped sounded reassuring and gently pulled Minhyuk up straight with a hand on his shoulder.

“A-ah, thank you,” Changkyun murmured before realizing that might not have been the most appropriate response. “Ah, I mean, thanks for apologizing, and—I—it’s okay?” At Minhyuk’s sudden look of confusion, Changkyun felt his face flush red, but he continued in spite of his embarrassment. “I’m just glad you’re comfortable talking with me and-and doing the photo shoot and stuff,” he told the older man quietly, hoping he wasn’t inadvertently ruining whatever fragile bond the two of them seemed to have forged in the past few hours.

“Ah, geez, you really are too nice,” Minhyuk looked up at the sky as if for strength before stepping forward and tugging the young rapper into a hug much like the one they had been photographed in earlier. Minhyuk’s shoulder was digging into his cheek, but he couldn’t bring himself to care enough to move. “Let’s go back to the others, yeah?” Changkyun nodded and reluctantly pulled away, sharing a smile with Minhyuk as they separated.

When they rejoined the group, Minhyuk’s arm wrapped around his shoulders, Kihyun and Jooheon sent him questioning looks. Changkyun responded with a smile that seemed as if it would split his face. He felt like nothing could bring his mood down now that he had finally been accepted by Minhyuk, the last holdout of the group.

The rest of the afternoon was filled with their group shots, and time passed pretty quickly with all of their joking and the easy-going atmosphere. The photographers, having called for a break in order to review some of their shots, seemed pleased with the results of the day, and the rest of his bandmates seemed equally happy about the end of the tension between Changkyun and Minhyuk.

Once they had confirmation from the photographers that they had gotten what they needed, their manager took them back. It was nearly six o’clock when they entered the dorm, all of them still energized after finishing the shoot for their debut. Jooheon followed Changkyun into the living room with his arms wrapped around the younger rapper’s waist and his chin tucked into his shoulder. Because of the close proximity, it was more of an awkward waddle than anything else, but Changkyun laughed at the incredulous look they got from Hoseok and Kihyun, who were standing just inside the entryway of the living room.

A few steps into the room, Jooheon suddenly fell into Changkyun with a grunt. Looking back in confusion, Changkyun just saw Minhyuk’s white hair peeking up from behind Jooheon before the older man’s arms wrapped around Jooheon’s at his waist.

At the rappers’ questioning looks, Minhyuk shrugged. “What? You looked all cuddly, so I wanted to join.”

Kihyun scoffed playfully as he fell into the couch next to Hyunwoo and Hyungwon, Hoseok sitting gingerly on the arm of the couch to watch the scene unfold. “And how are you all supposed to sit down now?” Kihyun asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Not going to,” Minhyuk answered petulantly, like a child refusing to release his new toys. Jooheon and Changkyun shared a look before smiling and dropping onto the fluffy rug in the middle of the floor, their dead weight dragging Minhyuk down with them.

Kihyun and Hyungwon burst into laughter at the sight of their tangled limbs and Minhyuk’s open mouth and disgruntled stare at their two youngest bandmates.

“Betrayal!” he cried out, trying unsuccessfully to pull his arms out from underneath the other two men. Jooheon and Changkyun cackled as they clung onto his arms, not allowing him to escape their hold.

Hoseok stood and swiftly crossed the room to sit down on Minhyuk’s hip, refusing to move even when the younger vocalist wailed out his pleas for mercy. “Not on my watch,” he promised with a dark chuckle.

In retaliation, Minhyuk wiggled his arms around until his fingers found Changkyun’s sides, and he began to tickle the young rapper. Changkyun attempted to jerk away from the group but was still being held in place by Jooheon, who hadn’t yet realized what was happening. By the time Changkyun was able to wriggle out of their hold, he was convulsing with laughter and hiccups that took minutes to abate.

Despite the attack, or perhaps because of it, he felt almost giddy with joy and couldn’t stop the dopey smile from spreading across his face for the rest of the evening. At dinner, he sat sandwiched between Kihyun and Minhyuk. While Kihyun attempted to mother him to death by continually shoving little bits of meat and vegetables onto his plate, Minhyuk threatened his ticklish sides with sneaky fingers. Unable to defend himself on two fronts, he simply gave into the lesser of two evils and accepted every bit of proffered food until he could hold no more. At the same time, he kept his free hand at his waist as his last line of defense against Minhyuk. Changkyun made it through the meal mostly intact, thanks in part to Hoseok and Jooheon’s efforts to distract Minhyuk. Despite the danger he posed to Changkyun’s ticklish sides, however, there was no way the young rapper could be upset about the older man’s change of heart.

Later that night, when the dorm had gone mostly silent, Jooheon’s grumbles in his sleep and Minhyuk’s soft breathing the only audible sounds in the darkness, Changkyun lay in his bed. His heart was far lighter than it had been in a while. It had been just before No.Mercy, the last time he had seen his parents and his brother, that he had felt such deep content. Their debut was approaching, and all of them regularly alternated between crippling nerves and bubbling excitement, but at the moment he could feel only joy. They would get through their debut as a group…as a family. They would make it. They all had each other’s full support now.

After taking a quick glance at his phone and seeing the time, Changkyun rolled over to face the wall and closed his eyes. Even sleep did nothing to wipe the smile from his face that night.


	8. Chapter Eight

Changkyun raced through the halls, glad no one was around to see his mad dash. He had lost track of time while working on the lyrics for a new song. When he had finally looked up at the clock, he was shocked to see that there were just five minutes before the group’s agreed upon practice time. After the initial panic, he had shoved his notebook into his bag and raced out the door. It wasn’t like the others would actually be angry if he didn’t make it to practice on time, but he didn’t want to disappoint them. Besides, there was really no excuse for being late when they were all in the same building.

He saw the trainees chatting and leaning against the wall just as he rounded the corner to the hallway in front of the practice rooms. Although his heart stuttered at the sight, he didn’t really have time to slow down or worry about them. They didn’t seem to notice him at first anyway, but his loud footsteps caught their attention in no time.

He made to pass by without glancing at them, eyes on the door at the end of the hallway, when he felt a sharp tug around his ankle and a pressure on his left shoulder. With too much momentum to stop, he felt himself begin to fall in a detached sort of way…until his right wrist, still wrapped into the strap of his messenger bag, slammed into the ground and his head had an unpleasant meeting with the wall to his side.

Then, suddenly, he was lying on the ground, his weight pressing onto his now numb wrist and his head and shoulder pressed at an awkward angle against the wall. When had his eyes closed?

He had barely picked up a strangled “Oh, fuck!” from somewhere to his side before the sharp prick of needles made itself known in his wrist. Changkyun hissed and shifted to take a look at his arm but let out a quiet whine at the sharp pain that shot through his head. He clenched his eyelids tighter in a fruitless effort to block out the pain pounding underneath his skull.

“Shit, shit, shit, what do we do?” A new voice, in front of him now. Changkyun cracked his eyes open and caught a glimpse of one of the usual trainees. He ignored the older man in favor of looking down at his wrist, which sat at an odd angle and seemed like it was beginning to swell. He moved his right arm toward his chest, and the needles were replaced by a sharp stabbing sensation up and down his arm. Gasping at the new excruciating pain, he closed his eyes once again and leaned back on the wall, resting his bruised skull against it gently. Just then, a stinging pain manifested around his knees, which he assumed had cushioned his fall.

A few tears slipped from the corner of his eyes as mumbling voices and harsh whispers surrounded him. At another stab of pain in his wrist, he let out an involuntary moan and opened his eyes to look at the trainees standing around him.

As he opened his mouth to speak, another gasp of pain escaped his mouth and he could feel the warm, wet tracks of tears on his cheeks. “J-just get s-someone. Th-the practice room,” he heard himself choke out. Changkyun had never had the misfortune of experiencing such intense pain before.

A few of the trainees took a few steps back, as if readying themselves to run away. The two closest to him, one of whom Changkyun suddenly recognized as Dohyun, exchanged fearful looks with each other, and Changkyun heard the shorter one say, voice shaking, “Oh god, we didn’t mean for this to happen. We were just screwing around! We’re going to get fired if anyone finds out this is our fault.” They both turned toward him again.

Changkyun swallowed down the bile he could feel rising up his throat. “Then lie,” he croaked with a pained grimace. At this point, it didn’t even matter that they would get away with hurting him as long as they _did_ something! “Just _get_ someone,” he gasped out. “ _Please_.”

Dohyun shooed the other guys away with a few quiet words and looked at the shorter one who remained by his side. “Stay here with him,” he said before taking off down the hall at a slight jog.

Changkyun willed him to move more quickly as he closed his eyes again and tried in vain to concentrate on something, anything other than the sharp pain of his wrist, which was surely broken, or the dull throbbing in his head. He breathed deeply through his nose to keep the nausea away, but that just jostled the wrist that had been resting against his chest.

As he let out a jagged breath, he heard the sound of feet pounding down the hallway toward them, and although it did nothing for his throbbing head, he welcomed the sound. Upon hearing a chorus of surprised gasps, he opened his eyes just enough to see his bandmates looking down at him in horror. It couldn’t be that bad, could it?

“What the hell happened?!” Hyunwoo, always the fearless leader, demanded an answer from the two trainees who had stayed behind. Kihyun came to kneel beside Changkyun, looking down at his swollen and bruised wrist—the strange lump was more pronounced now, he noticed with a horrified fascination.

The trainees glanced at Changkyun before looking back up at Hyunwoo. “We found him like this just a minute ago, so we’re not really sure…” Dohyun trailed off as Hyunwoo turned his attention toward their youngest member.

Hyungwon joined Kihyun at his side, and although the others stood back, they watched with obvious concern. “Changkyun, what hurts?” Kihyun’s voice was uncharacteristically quiet and gentle as his hands hovered over his friend’s injured wrist, wishing he could do something, but fearful of hurting him even more.

Changkyun swallowed once more before speaking. “Just my arm…and my head—hit it on the wall.” He could clearly see the concern in Kihyun’s eyes.

Hyungwon leaned in toward Changkyun to get a closer look at his wrist and grimaced in sympathy before turning to look at Hyunwoo. “We need to get him to a hospital.” Changkyun tried his best to concentrate on their words through the pain and creeping haziness in his head.

“Do you think you can walk if we help you up?” Kihyun asked him gently. He nodded his head once in consent, not trusting himself to speak just yet. That small action alone sent a knife through his skull.

As Kihyun and Hyungwon helped him sit up fully and lean his back against the wall once again, he saw Hyunwoo whisper something to Hoseok and Jooheon before they set off down the hall—probably to find one of their managers and explain the situation. They wouldn’t be happy.

Changkyun dragged his scattered attention back to his bandmates as they gripped him under his shoulders and started to heave him up. His head swam at the sudden movement, though he knew they had been as gentle as possible. As he was pulled further and further from the floor, he attempted to steady his sore, jelly-like legs underneath himself.

Although his head continued to throb and the sharp pains shot through his wrist with regularity, it didn’t seem as painful as before. Then again, that might have been due more to the lightheadedness that had washed over him as he stood. By the time he was standing, albeit slightly hunched over and leaning heavily on Kihyun, Manager Kim had appeared, led by Jooheon and Hoseok.

“Okay, we're going to get him to the hospital and get him fixed up, and then I want to know what the hell happened here.” Changkyun bowed his head so he wouldn’t have to look at the anger on the man’s face—he hadn’t heard their manager swear in the entire time he had known the older man. He only hoped that the anger wasn’t directed at him.

His bandmates stuttered out replies and the manager led the way to the parking area, each step jostling his arm and sending new signals of agony rushing through his nerve endings.

At the manager’s suggestion that only Kihyun and Hyungwon accompany them, as they were supporting Changkyun, the rest of them let out shouts of protest. Despite his current state of fogginess and pain, Changkyun felt warmth budding in his heart at their concern for him.

In the end, the decision was made for them when Changkyun let out a choked groan and took a deep breath after bumping his arm on the seat. Manager Kim quickly gave in to their demands and gestured for them to get into the van as quickly as possible.

The sooner they left, the better. Luckily, the hospital wasn’t far from the Starship building. The twenty minute drive was spent in silence punctuated only by Kihyun’s soft whispers of reassurance and Changkyun’s occasional gasps when his wrist was shaken by bumps in the road. Because he spent the ride with his eyes closed, Changkyun didn’t see the worried looks that passed between his team members. But his mind had settled on the same problem that was now being considered by the rest of them: their debut was in two weeks, and judging by the look of Changkyun’s wrist, he wouldn’t be able to perform.

Those thoughts were put on hold when they arrived at the hospital and Kim quickly ushered the group inside. Changkyun’s steps were a bit steadier now as the pain had become an unwelcome but constant presence. While the group found a cluster of chairs in one corner of the sparsely populated waiting room, their manager and Hyunwoo made their way to the reception desk to explain the situation.

They had to wait only thirty minutes before a doctor came to collect Changkyun, and almost Kihyun too because of the death grip the youngest member had on his arm. When Kihyun finally reassured him and Changkyun allowed the doctor to lead him away, the rest of the group stayed behind and waited in near silence, broken only by the occasional whispered conversation between them.

“It’s been over an hour—should we ask someone what’s going on?” Jooheon directed his question toward Hyunwoo and their manager, his furrowed brows and frown signs of his worry for their youngest member.

After sharing a quick look with Manager Kim, Hyunwoo turned back to their group. “I know it sucks, but we need to be patient and wait.” He looked down at his shoes as he scuffed at a spot on the floor in front of his chair. “They know we’re here, and they’ll come get us when they’re done.”

True to his word, not even an hour later, Changkyun’s doctor came to the waiting room to speak with them. They rose as one and took a few steps to meet him halfway. Apparently, the tension in the group was visible to him because he wasted only seconds on pleasantries before plowing into a description of Changkyun’s injuries. Along with some deep bruising to his knees and a mild concussion, he had, indeed, fractured his arm—as if they had needed his confirmation to know that.

“He might be a bit disoriented from the concussion for a few days, and he’ll likely have headaches and some sensitivity to light for as long as a week. And the fracture is going to be painful,” he told them with a grimace, “but his bone should heal within six to eight weeks.” At the horrified looks he received, he raised his arms in a placating gesture, having already been informed about their profession. “Obviously, he’s not going to be able to do much of anything for a little while—about a week or two—but after that period, he’ll be able to join you in _non-strenuous_ practices.”

As the doctor passed over his written instructions and the prescriptions for pain medication and antibiotics to their manager, Kihyun made a face, already envisioning Changkyun’s arguments on that matter. He was too stubborn for his own good, but they would make sure to take good care of him in the coming weeks.

The doctor cleared his throat before continuing. “There’s one other matter I wanted to discuss with you.” The doctor’s former kind demeanor had become stern, immediately grabbing the group’s attention. “While Mr. Lim’s fractured arm is certainly in line with an accidental fall, I’m afraid his head injuries are a bit…curious.”

“In what way?” their manager asked with a frown.

“He has a mild concussion, which on its own is _not_ in any way suspicious. However, according to both you and Mr. Lim, his arm was broken during a fall forward as he was running. It’s highly unlikely that he would have hit the side of his head on anything with enough force to cause a concussion if he had fallen in that way.” Kihyun exchanged a look of confusion with Jooheon before glancing back at the doctor. “In fact, for him to have hit his head hard enough for the injuries he has, he would have had to impact something with a substantial amount of force.”

Hyunwoo looked at the doctor with a frown. “So you’re saying Changkyun couldn’t have gotten both injuries from falling?” He crossed his arms in front of his chest.

The doctor hesitated for a few seconds before replying. “I’m saying that unless his head struck some piece of furniture on the way down, it’s highly unlikely.” He glanced around at the group, who seemed just as bewildered as he was. “I was told he fell in an empty hallway, so it would seem that he hit his head on the wall or floor. I’ve seen my fair share of injuries like this, and in my professional opinion, with the force required to create Mr. Lim’s injuries…” he paused, as if hesitant to continue. “I would say that it’s more likely he was pushed.”

His bold statement was met with Kihyun’s gasp of surprise and silent, open-mouthed shock from the rest of the group. Someone had _pushed_ Changkyun? But the only ones there had been—

“The trainees,” Hoseok growled, looking back at his friends and their manager. “They were the only ones around when it happened.”

Kim’s pursed lips and frown expressed his disappointment in Hoseok. “You can’t just start accusing people—”

“They’ve been bullying Changkyun,” he responded with a sharp stare directed at the manager.

“What?” Kihyun couldn’t contain his shock at this admission. Why hadn’t Changkyun said anything to him? He met Jooheon’s widened eyes. Why hadn’t he told any of them? He was barely conscious of the doctor making his exit, probably hoping to escape whatever drama his revelation had created.

As if he knew what Kihyun had been thinking, Hoseok spoke again. “I caught them harassing him a few weeks ago and told them off. Changkyun said it was just a one-time thing,” he glanced down at his hands, twisting around each other in nervousness, “but I knew he was lying. Changkyun asked me not to say anything to any of you.” His gaze swept around the room, but never landed on Kihyun. “I figured that would be the end of it since they got caught, but I didn’t think—I had no idea they would actually do anything to hurt him.” Upon hearing Hoseok’s voice become choked with emotion, Minhyuk wrapped an arm around his friend as the others stared on, digesting the news.

The trainees had been bullying Changkyun, and they hadn’t even realized. How long had it been going on? Thinking back, Kihyun remembered noticing a few months ago that Changkyun seemed a bit uncomfortable around the trainees, but he hadn’t thought much of it—just a difference in age and rank, or so he had thought. He should have questioned it more, paid more attention. If he had, Changkyun might not have been injured. He hadn’t done anything to protect his friend. At that thought, he drew in a deep breath to keep the nausea down.

Even if he had noticed, though, he never would have imagined that they would take it this far. For a trainee to deliberately hurt an idol at the same company—it was unheard of. If nothing else, they were sabotaging the success of their own company by doing such a thing.

He was drawn from his thoughts when Kim sighed again and put his head in his hands, rubbing at his face roughly. “You can bet that we’ll look into these accusations and take appropriate actions.” He lifted his head to glance around at the group. “Obviously, we’ll check the footage from the video cameras in the hallway, but I may also need a statement from you, Hoseok, and from anyone else who may have noticed anything.” Everyone nodded, ready and willing to support their bandmate and hoping for a way to ease their guilty consciences.

“In the meantime, we’ll have to convince Changkyun to come forward about this. For whatever reason, he didn’t tell us what happened, and he lied to the doctor about how he was injured.” Kihyun frowned, realizing the truth in the manager’s words. Why hadn’t Changkyun said anything in the hallway? If it were Kihyun who had been hurt, he would have been screaming out the truth to anyone who would listen. Then again, the younger man _had_ been in a lot of pain. If the doctor hadn’t said anything though, no one would have had any reason to check the cameras and find out what had actually happened.

Beside him, Jooheon shuffled his feet before addressing the group. “We’ll get the truth out of him. He needs to know that we care and that we won’t let something like this happen again. The trainees need to be punished.” Although he spoke with conviction, his red-rimmed eyes and the occasional sniffle betrayed his hurt and guilt. Kihyun nudged Jooheon’s shoulder with his own and leaned in closer to show his support.

“What I don’t understand,” began Kim, “is why they would resort to such violence. Or why they would be bullying him in the first place, for that matter.” Their manager, ever vigilant in the public eye, took a look around the still sparsely populated waiting room and motioned for the others to follow him back toward their seats in the corner.

Once everyone had found a seat, their manager looked to Hoseok for answers. “Now, why would the trainees be harassing Changkyun? I understand that there might be some hard feelings because he’s younger than them and set to debut, but that really doesn’t explain the harassment.” The others turned their attention to Hoseok, hoping for answers.

“When I heard them that time, they were harassing him by sharing some of the fans’ comments about Changkyun…” Hoseok looked away from their manager, his eyes coming to rest on the blue plastic chair across from him. “…about how Changkyun must have slept with someone to get into Monsta X.”

While the rest of the group looked on in open-mouthed horror, Jooheon scrunched up his face in frustration and whispered harshly, “Oh, come on! As if Changkyun of _all_ people would do something like that!”

Kim gave a deep sigh and pressed at the space above the bridge of his nose. “We knew that some of the fans and some people outside the company had been whispering about that, but we had hoped those rumors wouldn’t find their way to Changkyun.”

“I’m not excusing their actions,” Minhyuk spoke up for the first time, punctuating his words with a hand raised as if in defense, “because it’s unacceptable for anyone to accuse Changkyun and the company of something like that, but with Changkyun entering Monsta X the way he did, it’s not really surprising that people started speculating about _why_ he was promised to debut.” Hoseok nodded along with his words reluctantly, and Kihyun knew they were all thinking along the same lines.

“The trainees were probably mad that he was chosen to debut even though he’s younger than them,” Hyunwoo added, shaking his head. “But I can’t believe they went this far out of jealousy.” Kihyun couldn’t believe they had actually hurt him because of that. Granted, the rest of Monsta X had been pretty upset with the young rapper at first, but they never would have hurt him.

“What are you talking about?” As one, the group turned to face their manager, whose face was a mask of confusion. “Changkyun wasn’t _promised_ to debut.” He looked around at them all as he spoke. “The executives made the decision to add him late to shake up the competition. He won completely on his own.”

Kihyun’s stomach dropped at Kim’s revelation. Judging from the looks on the others’ faces, they had come to the same realization.

“You’re telling me that this entire time, you guys thought he had cheated his way in?” Kim’s disgust was evident, and it did nothing to absolve their guilt.

Since the young rapper had arrived late in the game, they had believed that his victory in No.Mercy and his spot in the final group had been promised to him. It was this fact, more than anything else, that had led to their initial mistreatment of Changkyun. Kihyun met Jooheon’s eyes. They were rounded in horror as he was sure his own were. What had they done?

“You seemed angry enough when you learned what the trainees had done, so I’m hoping that you’ve at least been treating him right,” their manager said slowly as he glanced around at the group. “But I have a feeling you’re all going to have a lot of apologies to make.”

They had been horrible to him. They had blamed him for Gunhee’s elimination, for the loss of their ideal group, yet he held no fault in the matter. Changkyun had joined the competition late because the company had told him to, and because—Kihyun remembered from that overheard phone conversation so long ago—he had felt like it was his last chance to debut.

Although they had come to accept Changkyun as a friend in the end anyway, they hadn’t made the journey easy for him. There had still been that niggling voice in the back of their minds that reminded them of how Changkyun had come to join them. To find out that their initial dislike, their mistreatment of him, had been based on a misunderstanding on their part…

They had been totally wrong, their anger misplaced. Guilt burned at Kihyun’s insides. The entire time, Changkyun had been clueless as to why they were so angry with him.

Kihyun’s thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of a petite nurse, who looked quite nervous approaching their large group. Kihyun figured he should smile to ease her nerves, but he couldn’t bring himself to put on a happy front when his insides were twisting with guilt.

As the young nurse reached the outskirts of their group, she bowed before calling out “Mr. Lim is awake now, though he’s still very groggy. We can let you in to see him, but I have to warn you not to crowd him or upset him.”

Kihyun took a look around the group, seeing similar looks of hesitation on their faces. How could they face Changkyun now, after realizing what they had done?

“Come on,” their manager called as he stood. “Changkyun needs you guys right now, so you need to try your best to hide your feelings until you can sort them out later.”

Kihyun felt Jooheon’s chest move as he took a deep breath, and Kihyun did the same. The group stood slowly, and Kim nodded to the nurse.

“Mr. Lim is in Room 302. I'll show you the way,” she said quietly, bowing before moving toward the doors on the right side of the waiting room.

As they walked through the halls, took an elevator to the third floor, and arrived at Changkyun’s door, Kihyun did his best to collect himself and focus on his friend’s wellbeing rather than his own guilt.

The nurse knocked gently on the door to Room 302 before pushing it open to admit them. The sight that greeted Kihyun was the last one he expected. Changkyun was sitting up in bed, a white bandage holding an ice pack to his head and his right arm in a thick, white cast. And he was smiling.

At Kihyun’s confused look, the nurse gave a gentle smile and explained that Changkyun was just feeling the uplifting effects of the pain medication pumping through his IV. “He’s a little giddy at the moment.”

They didn’t need her statement to process that, Kihyun thought as Changkyun opened his mouth upon seeing them. “Guys! How’s it going?”

His carefree smile and kind eyes drove a knife into Kihyun’s heart, but he forced a smile so that he wouldn’t alert Changkyun to his feelings. A glance behind him showed the others making the same efforts.

Luckily, Changkyun didn’t seem to notice that anything was out of the ordinary. Kihyun and Jooheon took the seats on either side of him, and Hyunwoo and Hyungwon stood at the foot of his bed. Hoseok, Minhyuk, and Kim stood to the side, resting against the wall so as not to crowd the young rapper.

The nurse excused herself, busy with other duties, so the group was left alone. It was silent for a moment. Despite their efforts, they couldn’t hold back the awkwardness.

They couldn’t let Changkyun notice though. Jooheon took charge by asking the younger man how he was doing.

“Oh, I feel much better now!” he exclaimed with a smile. Kihyun was willing to bet that he wouldn’t feel the same in a few hours when the drugs wore off.

“That's good,” Kihyun replied with a smile—not forced this time. “We were really worried about you, Changkyun.” He hoped the younger man could understand how much they cared about him.

“No need to worry—I'm fine!” Changkyun called out with a grin that quickly faded into a frown. “But the doctor said I won’t be able to practice with you guys for a while.” Kihyun could barely stop himself from rolling his eyes. Of course Changkyun would be worrying about something like that.

Before he could open his mouth to berate the younger man, Hyunwoo stole the words right out of his mouth. “You don’t need to worry about something like that right now, Changkyun. Just focus on getting better.”

They did their best to joke around with Changkyun and help him relax for a while, and it seemed to be working. It was easy to slip into Changkyun’s drug-induced, easy-going atmosphere while they visited him, even though the gut-churning guilt and sorrow were always lurking in the back of their minds. The doctor had been called away to help other patients, but the nurse had told them that he wanted to keep Changkyun for a few hours to make sure the concussion didn’t cause any other side-effects.

The group made no complaint about staying at the hospital for the next few hours. Instead, they focused on making conversation and keeping Changkyun awake while waiting on his doctor or nurse to release him. It seemed the drugs were finally wearing off because their friend had come back to his usual self, quieter and more reserved but still quick to smile. Kihyun just hoped the pain of his injuries wouldn’t return with his personality.

As the clock hands neared seven, Kihyun had begun to notice Changkyun’s occasional winces when he moved too quickly or laughed. He motioned for the others to quiet down and just as he was about to call for the nurse, the doctor returned to check in on his patient. After checking his vitals and taking another look at his injuries, the doctor gave him a fresh ice pack and another dose of pain medication, which he assured them would last a few hours.

Then, finally, the doctor handed over Changkyun’s signed release forms, reiterated his instructions on how to take care of the young man—to which the rest of the group paid close attention—and sent them on their way.

During the car ride back to the dorm, their manager made a quick stop by the pharmacy to have Changkyun’s prescriptions filled. The young rapper, sandwiched between Kihyun and Jooheon, had laid his head on the vocalist’s shoulder and fallen into a half-asleep state moments after they had entered the van. His right arm, encased in the plain white cast, rested atop a pillow provided by the hospital when they had checked him out. They were all just glad that he would be able to rest back at the dorm soon, although they would have to wake him up a few times throughout the night to keep an eye on his concussion.

Kihyun let out a sigh of relief when they finally punched in the code for the door and traipsed into the living room like a parade. Hyunwoo lead the way, turning on lights in the hallway and living room. Kihyun and Jooheon followed, supporting a drowsy and drugged Changkyun. Hyungwon, Hoseok, Minhyuk, and their manager brought up the rear.

Soon enough, Changkyun was settled into bed, arm propped up and protected by a small, hastily built fort of pillows to his side. The young rapper’s quiet breaths were the only sound in the room.

Kihyun felt like a parent as he backed quietly out of their shared bedroom, switching off the lights and sliding the door mostly closed before joining his bandmates in the living room. As soon as they had taken their seats, their manager addressed the group. “Alright, you guys obviously have some things to talk about and work through, and Changkyun is going to need some help, so I’m giving you the next few days off. I’ll settle it with the executives.” Although Manager Kim pushed them hard, he really did have their best interests in mind, and he showed it through his actions in situations like this.

“What are we going to do about our debut?” Minhyuk’s words mirrored the group’s worries.

There was no way for them to be ready in time now. It was possible for them to debut without Changkyun until he was healed, but Kihyun didn’t even wish to entertain that thought. After everything they had put the young rapper through, debuting without him would only alienate him further. He—and the others, he was sure—would fight to keep that from happening.

Their manager sighed. “As soon the building opens tomorrow, I’ll go check out the camera footage. Based on that, I’ll explain what we know and suspect about the situation to the President and beg for a few days to sort everything out before we make a decision.” His statement was met with nods from the group, accepting that he wouldn’t be able to tell them any more than that for now. “The sooner you talk with Changkyun, the better.” As he stood and turned toward the hallway, he called back quietly, “Keep me updated—on Changkyun and the situation.”

Hyunwoo promised to do so. They followed their manager to the door and wished him a good night before returning to the living room and collapsing across the available pieces of furniture.

Kihyun eyed his friends, each one absorbed in his own thoughts. Their guilt was easily recognizable to Kihyun, as he knew the same look was reflected on his own face and in the slump of his shoulders. No one wanted to be the one to address the issue staring them in the face.

Kihyun sighed quietly as he looked around at his bandmates, his friends. “We’ll talk to Changkyun tomorrow about the trainees.” He took charge, glancing for a few seconds at everyone around the living room. “After that’s all cleared up, we’ll let Manager Kim know so that he can straighten everything out.” Hyunwoo and Jooheon nodded in agreement, but the others waited for what would come next. “And afterward, we really need to deal with this situation.” He looked down and concentrated on the swirling purple and blue patterns on the blanket he had pulled over his lap when he sat down. “We’re all at fault for refusing to listen to the truth, for believing the worst of Changkyun this entire time.” He swallowed down the lump in his throat but didn’t say any more.

They all knew they needed to apologize, not matter how awkward it would be. He just hoped that Changkyun would be able to forgive them. The younger man had a heart of gold, but there was only so much he could take. Kihyun just hoped this wouldn’t destroy what little faith he must have had in the group.


	9. Chapter Nine

Changkyun was brought to consciousness by a hazy feeling of pain in his head and right arm that strengthened when he shifted onto his back. The rays of light filtering in through the closed curtains did nothing to help the ache in his head, although the pain level had diminished some due to medication and a night of sleep.

He had faint recollections of his friends taking turns to wake him up periodically throughout the night, as per the doctor’s orders, and he reminded himself to thank them later for taking care of him. At that thought, he glanced over to see Kihyun’s and Jooheon’s beds empty, and he figured the same could be said of Minhyuk’s.

The young rapper lazily rolled his eyes to rest on the bright white cast that encased his forearm. With a grimace, he pushed himself up with his left hand, his broken arm cradled against his stomach, and slid his legs off the bed. He smiled when he saw the fort of pillows his friends had made for his arm the night before.

At a sharp twinge of pain in said arm, Changkyun winced and stood, intent on finding out where his friends had left the bottle of painkillers. He slid the door open and stumbled his way down the hallway, his legs unsteady from sleep and the remaining disorientation from his concussion. A ginger brush of his fingers against his forehead assured him that the massive lump was still there and painful as ever. With a wince, he turned the corner. He could hear only the faint sounds of chatter from the living room, as if the group were trying their hardest to keep their voices from waking him. Changkyun smiled a bit as he rounded the corner and shuffled into the dimly-lit living room, the drawn curtains keeping out the bright sunlight.

Hoseok was the first to see him, and his shocked stare was enough to pull everyone else’s attention toward him. Kihyun immediately jumped up from his spot on the couch and approached Changkyun looking concerned. “Are you okay? Does it hurt? I was just about to go wake you up again for the two hour mark.”

“A-ah, thanks,” he choked out, his dry throat and the remaining fogginess keeping the words from coming out clearly at first. “And thanks f-for taking care of me and waking me up last night. I—”

“No, no, it’s no problem,” Kihyun said reassuringly as he led Changkyun to his former spot between Hyungwon and Jooheon on the couch, and lightly pushed him into the soft cushions. “You probably need some pain killers by now, huh?” Without waiting for an answer, the older man turned and disappeared into the kitchen.

Changkyun relaxed into the creaking couch, content with Hyungwon and Jooheon’s warmth on either side of him. “How’re you doing?” the older rapper asked him quietly, making eye contact for only a brief second before staring intently at the cast on Changkyun’s arm.

Changkyun frowned slightly. Why wouldn’t Jooheon look him in the eye? “Okay, I guess,” he answered, trying to keep the confusion out of his voice. Was he missing something? “It doesn’t hurt as much now.” Although it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been the day before, there was still a dull ache and occasional twinges of sharper pain. It was constant enough that ignoring it would be difficult, and he was in no way opposed to taking medication to dull the pain.

Before Jooheon could reply, Kihyun reentered the room with a glass of water and a bottle of painkillers. Changkyun barely kept himself from sighing—sweet relief was on its way. He smiled and whispered his thanks before downing two pills with a mouthful of water. Kihyun quickly left the room again, but Changkyun had barely placed the glass on the coffee table in front of him before Kihyun returned, this time carrying a bowl of rice and a plate with a mixture of meat and vegetables.

“You shouldn’t take all that medication on an empty stomach,” he explained upon seeing Changkyun’s questioning look. The rest of his bandmates, seeing that Changkyun was already well-cared for, went back to their conversations so as not to overwhelm him with all of their attention at once.

Changkyun thanked him once again before digging into the food with one hand on the chopsticks, his casted arm cushioned against Jooheon’s leg and the plate rested on top of the pillow in his lap. If he wanted to look at the positive side, he supposed he could be grateful that he hadn’t broken his dominant hand. That would have made eating, or any other basic tasks, almost impossible.

Once the food hit his stomach, he realized just how hungry he was. After all, he hadn’t eaten much since before his hospital trip the day before. He was careful not to spill anything lest he be scolded by Kihyun, who was sitting on the floor nearby.

After finishing the last grain of rice, Changkyun leaned back into the couch and patted his stomach in satisfaction, his hunger sated. The food had also helped clear his mind. Before he could blink, Kihyun was standing and gently taking the dishes from his lap. The older man waved off his protests that he could manage on his own, and Changkyun relaxed into the couch with a fluttering feeling in his chest.

When Kihyun came back into the room, he looked around and made eye contact with the others before settling into his former spot on the floor. Hyunwoo, Minhyuk, and Hoseok all approached from their places on the rug in the middle of the room, and Hyungwon and Jooheon turned their bodies to face Changkyun. The young rapper looked around in confusion at the sudden heaviness in the atmosphere.

“Changkyun, we need to talk to you about what happened yesterday,” Hyunwoo began, his tone gentle but unwavering. Oh god, were they angry that he had messed up the debut for them? Changkyun focused his attention on the water ring that had formed from his glass. He had hoped to put off talking about it for a little while at least, but that didn’t look like it was going to be possible. What if they—

“We know it wasn’t an accident,” Hyungwon spoke up from beside him, his voice soft and soothing. Changkyun frowned and glanced at him. What? “The doctor told us that there’s no way you would have gotten those injuries just from falling—that you had to have been pushed.” His eyes widened involuntarily.

“W-what?” he stuttered out before looking down at his lap, knowing his delayed and lackluster reaction wasn’t actually believable.

“We figured it was the trainees,” Hoseok added quietly, and Changkyun looked up to meet his eyes across the coffee table. “I…” Hoseok glanced down, away from Changkyun’s now worried gaze. “I told them about the trainees, Changkyun. I know I promised not to, but that wasn’t a one-time thing, and I know you wanted to handle it alone, but it’s gone way too far now.”

Changkyun took a deep breath and looked down at his lap as a spike of frustration stabbed through him. He had asked Hoseok for _one_ thing, and the older man didn’t even grant him that.

“Don’t be mad, Changkyun,” Jooheon whispered and rested a hand on the younger man’s knee.

Changkyun forced back that feeling of frustration and sighed. “I-I’m not mad.” Hoseok had done what he thought was right, and really, the trainees had taken it too far yesterday. He glanced at his broken arm—way too far. Their debut would probably need to be pushed back because of their actions.

“Manager Kim is checking out the surveillance cameras from the hallway, but he said we need to turn in statements to the company so they can decide how to properly punish the trainees who were involved,” Hyunwoo informed the young rapper, who nodded reluctantly. There really wasn’t any way to hide it now, especially if their manager knew. Changkyun winced at that thought. Besides, he hadn’t really meant to lie about yesterday from the beginning—it had just been the best way to convince the trainees to get help.

“They better terminate their contracts after the shit they pulled,” Hoseok snarled with a vicious glare.

“W-what?” Changkyun glanced at Hyunwoo to see if Hoseok’s words were even remotely in the realm of possibility. “I don’t want them to be kicked out!” His head throbbed in response to his own raised voice.

“What—why?” Changkyun turned to see Jooheon giving him an incredulous look. “They broke your freaking arm, Changkyun! They should be punished!”

“Well, yeah, but kicking them out—that could crush any chance they have for a career,” Changkyun told them, frowning as he leaned forward. He didn’t want to be the one at fault for destroying anyone else’s future. He knew that, no matter what Kihyun and Jooheon said, his late arrival to No.Mercy had derailed the future plans of more than just the two other trainees who had been eliminated in the final round.

“They could have crushed _your_ career,” Hoseok shot back, his voice loud and his tone disbelieving. The fogginess rolled in as their voices grew louder. “Your injuries are bad enough, don’t get me wrong. But they could have been even worse. If you had hit your head harder or broken something so much that it couldn’t heal…” The older man shook his head. “Your career could have been over.”

Changkyun shivered slightly. Until Hoseok’s statement, he hadn’t realized how lucky he was not to have been injured more severely. Still… “It was an accident though.” His friends only gave him looks of disbelief, and Hoseok’s mouth dropped. Arm raised in a somewhat placating manner, Changkyun cut him off before he could say anything. “No, really!” His cheeks flushed as he considered how he must look to them right now. The victim protecting his bullies. He had to make them understand though. “I mean, they pushed me on purpose, but they didn’t mean for me to break anything or get a concussion.” He glanced around at them, hoping someone would understand what he was trying to say. “They were really shocked by what happened, and I think they felt bad about it. And they’re not normally that rough, so I think—”

“‘Normally’?!” Jooheon shot forward to look at him. “You mean they’ve been shoving you around and shit for a while now?” Changkyun could blame that lapse in judgement on the combination of his concussion and the painkillers, which had clouded his mind and loosened his tongue.

“I knew they had been harassing you, but I thought they stopped,” Hoseok’s voice was quiet but still clearly audible to Changkyun. “I never thought they were getting physical though.”

Changkyun waved his left hand in front of him and shook his head lightly, his brain rattling slightly as he did so. “No, no, it really wasn’t that often, and—”

“Changkyun, you don’t need to defend them,” Kihyun spoke softly, leaning forward to squeeze his knee gently. “They hurt you.” Hyungwon began rubbing his hand across Changkyun’s shoulders in a comforting manner.

The young man swallowed the small lump that was forming in his throat at Kihyun’s caring tone and Hyungwon’s warm touch. “No, I’m not—I know what they did was wrong. And I’m angry that they caused this to happen,” he said as he gestured toward his cast with his left hand. “I’m just saying that they shouldn’t be punished for the rest of their lives for something like this.” Regardless of how they had treated him in the past, this had been an accident. They had made a mistake, and they would pay for it, but they shouldn’t have their dreams ripped from them because of that mistake.

“You didn’t deserve any of that, Changkyun.” Minhyuk’s voice was uncharacteristically solemn as he spoke for the first time since their impromptu family meeting. Changkyun met his eyes and saw nothing but sincerity there. “What they said and did to you was completely unacceptable, and they should definitely be punished in some way.” Although Changkyun opened his mouth to retort, Minhyuk cut across him. “Personally, I think they should be fired, but it’s not my choice to make, and it wasn’t me who was hurt.” The others turned to look at the blonde, seeming surprised at his words. “If you’re really so opposed to them being cut from Starship, then we’ll support you in talking to the manager about it, but management needs to know what they’ve been doing.”

Changkyun nodded at Minhyuk’s words, acknowledging that _something_ had to be done. “Thank you, Minhyuk.”

The older man nodded and gave a small smile as the other members glanced between the two. They didn’t really have any choice but to go along with Changkyun and Minhyuk’s agreement—no one wanted to spread anymore discord among the group. “I guess I’ll call Manager Kim and have him come over later to talk about it, if that’s okay with you, Changkyun,” Hyunwoo spoke up again.

The young rapper nodded after only a second of hesitation. Although he wasn’t really looking forward to that discussion, he knew it was better to get it over with sooner rather than later.

Just when Changkyun thought he was safe from his friends’ scrutiny, he saw Kihyun glance down at his own lap uneasily before speaking. “Changkyun…why-why didn’t you _tell_ us?” The older man asked him, his voice full of hurt. “We would have _helped_ you. We could have—” Kihyun broke off, his voice sounding choked, and he refused to look up at any of the rest of them. “But…we should have realized that something was wrong before now and done something about it. I’m sorry we never noticed.”

Changkyun’s eyes widened in shock as he shook his head vigorously and then winced at the pain that spiked though his brain from his sudden movements. “No! Kihyun, I didn’t say anything because…” He paused, wanting to think his words over carefully so that he wouldn’t hurt his friends. “Well, at first, I couldn’t really—I mean… We weren’t that close at first, so I thought it would have been strange for me to say something about it.”

Upon seeing the uncomfortable looks on his friends’ faces and their shifting gazes, he knew that his statement had hurt them. But the pain and fogginess in his head, coupled with his exhaustion at having kept this to himself for months, wouldn’t allow him to keep his silence any longer.

“And after we got closer, I guess I just thought that I should handle it by myself. It was…a bit embarrassing, I guess.” He looked down at his lap, ashamed to admit that it was partially his pride that had kept him from speaking up. “And it wasn’t something I wanted to bother anyone with.” When he said the words aloud now, to noisy protests by his friends, he realized how childish and stupid his excuses sounded, but he couldn’t change his actions now. All he could do was accept it and move on. He just hoped his friends would be able to do the same.

Jooheon wrapped an arm around Changkyun’s shoulders and pulled him closer as he spoke. “You don’t need to handle everything by yourself, you know. We’re a team—we’re your friends—and we’re here for you.” Though his words were quiet, almost whispered, Changkyun could tell he meant them.

The younger rapped nodded slowly and said, “I know.” And he did. The doubts he still had every once in a while were nothing but dark whispers in the back of his mind. He knew they weren’t true and that his bandmates really did think of him as a friend. That much was clear from their actions toward him in the past day alone.

Hoseok leaned forward, trying to catch Changkyun’s eye. “I’m really sorry you had to go through all that alone, Changkyun. Especially when we weren’t making it any easier on you.”

Changkyun could see the regret in Hoseok’s downturned lips and furrowed brows, and he hurried to reassure the older man. “You don’t need to feel guilty about that! It’s over now, so…we don’t need to worry about it anymore.”

He tried to smile to reassure them, but the discomfort on their faces hadn’t faded at all, and he couldn’t manage it. Kihyun opened his mouth as if he wanted to speak but bit his lip before any words escaped. Beside him, Hyungwon pressed himself more closely to Changkyun’s side, but he wouldn’t meet Changkyun’s gaze when the young rapper turned to face him.

“Of course we’re still going to worry about it,” Hyunwoo spoke up from his spot on the floor near Kihyun, his eyes focused somewhere around Changkyun’s stomach rather than his face. “This shouldn’t have happened in the first place. We should have paid more attention and noticed that something wasn’t right.” He looked up to meet Changkyun’s eyes. “And you should have told us.” The young man nodded, a lump forming in his throat. He knew that now, and he definitely wouldn’t make the same mistake again. “But we also should have made it clear that you could come to us about anything. We won’t let you forget it after this.” Hyunwoo really was just a big teddy bear. Although he didn’t normally speak much, he always knew just what to say.

“I won’t,” Changkyun promised them all, warmth spreading through his body upon hearing their concern. He smiled then, hoping his feelings would reach them.

Hyungwon shifted against him, pulling back slightly. When Changkyun turned to face him, he followed the older man’s gaze to Kihyun, who cleared his throat and began bouncing his open palm on his knee in a nervous motion. “There was...one other thing we needed to talk about.” The hesitance was clear in Kihyun’s halted speech and frown.

Changkyun soon had a frown to match. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his stomach dropping suddenly. Why did the others seem so shifty and nervous all of the sudden? What else could possibly be wrong?

“Well…we were talking to the manager about the trainees yesterday, and…well, we were trying to understand why they were harassing you…”

Kihyun bit his lip, and Changkyun frowned, confused, before looking at Hoseok. Hadn’t he already told them why the trainees didn’t like him? He had heard what they said that day he had interrupted them, hadn’t he? Hoseok wouldn’t meet his eyes. He looked around at his friends but only saw the tops of their heads—no one would meet his gaze. “Okay,” he prompted, drawing out the last syllable of the word in his confusion. “And?”

When it didn’t seem like Kihyun was going to continue, Hoseok leaned forward to speak. “We thought the trainees were angry because…because you had been promised to debut.” The words had come through the haze loud and clear, but Changkyun couldn’t seem to comprehend what the older man had said—couldn’t wrap his mind around the statement. The frown on his face deepened. “Of course, Manager Kim set us straight right away, told us the truth, and—” Changkyun couldn’t listen anymore to the words pouring from Hoseok’s mouth.

“Stop, wait,” he interrupted, his arm raised in front of him and his frown still in place. His heart was beating too loudly, too quickly. Hot blood pulsed through his body down to each fingertip and to the lump on his head as he attempted to collect his thoughts. “You thought—this entire time!” Shaking his head and ignoring the pain that came after, Changkyun struggled out of his place sandwiched between Jooheon and Hyungwon and got to his feet. He disregarded their reaching arms and sorrowful looks. “You thought I had, what, bought my way in?” He looked around at all of them, their faces now upturned with expressions of guilt. “Did you believe what the trainees said? That I _fucked_ my way in.” His voice rose in anger, and he didn’t stop himself from cursing. Why should he? They had thought so little of him the entire time. His breaths quickened. No wonder they had treated him like they had in the beginning. No wonder they hated him.

“No, Changkyun, we know you wouldn’t do something like that!” Kihyun retorted, shaking his head in desperation as he jumped to his feet. “We just—”

“You just _what_?” The younger man interrupted again, refusing to back down despite the guilty look his friend was giving him and the pain that spiked through his head at his raised voice. “You, _all_ of you, thought Starship had promised me a spot here—that’s _just_ as bad.” Changkyun was barely aware of Jooheon and Hoseok rising to their feet, followed soon after by the others. His breath caught in his throat as he realized how they must have been thinking of him as they spoke with him, joked with him, practiced with him in the past few months.

“This _whole_ time, you thought I cheated my way in. I know the way I joined No.Mercy was shit, believe me,” he shook his head in a futile attempt to stop the stinging in his eyes from getting worse, “but I was never promised _anything_. They told me to join the show late, and I felt like it might be my last chance, so I did it. But I had just as much chance of being chosen as any of the rest of you at that point, and—” The lump in his throat choked him and cut off any other words he had been planning to say. Changkyun swallowed and looked at a point above Kihyun’s head, unable to look his bandmates in the eyes as he bit back tears. They always seemed to come at the worst possible time.

“Changkyun,” Jooheon spoke up from beside him, his voice trembling. Changkyun took a deep breath. “We’re sorry. We’re _so_ sorry, and I don’t know how to make it up to you, but we will, I promise. I mean it.”

Changkyun shook his head again before replying, his voice low. “Did you guys even—were you just nice to me out of, of _obligation_ or something?” Why did he ask that? He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

“No, no, of course not!” Kihyun’s attempt to reassure him didn’t make him feel any better. Everyone else just watched Changkyun and Kihyun, not wanting to do anything to unsettle the young rapper at such a crucial moment. “We’re your friends.”

“Oh, really?” Changkyun knew the sarcasm in his voice was uncharacteristic of him, and although he hadn’t intended to hurt anyone with his words, he found that he couldn’t stop his doubts from breaking free. “How could you have been my friends when you thought the worst of me? _I_ wouldn’t even be friends with someone I thought had cheated their way into the group, so how the _hell_ am I supposed to believe that you guys were actually my friends?” The hurt had bled into anger that the people he had trusted, had considered to be as close as family, actually saw him as a cheat—they were no different than the trainees in that regard.

Jooheon gently placed a hand on the younger man’s shoulder, but as he began to speak, Changkyun shrugged him off, ignoring the older man’s hurt. “We _are_ your friends, Changkyun. We _do_ like you.” His attempts at reassurance were echoed by the rest of their bandmates, but Changkyun knew he needed to leave before he said something he would regret. Despite everything, he, at the very least, had thought of them as friends, and he didn’t actually want to hurt them. He didn’t really want to break down in front of them either.

The youngest member pressed a hand to his forehead and took a deep breath. Jooheon once again attempted to wrap an arm around his shoulders, but Changkyun shrugged him off for a second time, more gently than before. “I-I just—I need some time alone,” he whispered, his voice catching in his throat due to suppressed tears. He pushed past Hyungwon and was grateful when the older man let him go without interference.

Footsteps rushed after him, and as he reached the hallway, his right arm was grabbed gently and he twisted to face Kihyun as the older man turned a pleading gaze on him. “Changkyun, _please_ , you _have_ to believe us. We really are sorry, and—”

Because of the tears blurring his vision, Changkyun was able to ignore the hurt in his friend’s face when he pulled his arm away with a sharp tug. “I _can’t_ right now, Kihyun. I need some time.” His tone was harsh with pain and with frustration at both Kihyun’s desperation and his own failure to keep his tears at bay.

Without waiting for a response, Changkyun spun around and continued down the hallway, ignoring the hushed discussion that broke out in the living room. In a few seconds, he had closed himself into the shared bedroom and shuffled to his bed, the tears falling more quickly now. They would do nothing to help the headache that had already returned, but he wasn’t ready to face the others at the moment to reclaim his bottle of painkillers for his later dosage. He would just have to find some way to deal with it until he _was_ able to.

In the safety of his own bed, wrapped up in the covers he had thrown aside only an hour or so earlier, he made no attempt to stop his tears any longer. He knew the others wouldn’t bother him now, not after he had brushed Kihyun aside like that. Despite his own hurt and the feelings of betrayal that weighed heavily on his heart, he couldn’t help but feel some regret for how he had treated them. He wouldn’t have been able to keep it together much longer though, and he wasn’t quite ready to forgive them for thinking about him in such an unflattering light.

Hot tears soaked into his pillow. No matter what they said, how was he supposed to believe that they had actually cared for him? The entire time, all they must have been thinking about was how he had cheated his way into their group—that wasn’t exactly the strongest foundation for friendship.

Changkyun absentmindedly rubbed his left fist under his nose as he sniffled in an attempt to keep any snot from escaping. It explained why the group had been so adverse to his presence at first. He finally understood why they had been so angry—he would have felt the same if someone had stolen his friend’s spot by cheating their way through the competition. With a heavy sigh, Changkyun dabbed at his eyes with the corner of the blanket he had wrapped around himself. Really, how could they have believed anything else? He came in late with barely any explanation and had then won a spot in the final group. Of course his bandmates, just like quite a few of the fans, would think that he had bribed his way in somehow.

Why had they acted like his friends then? Although Jooheon had denied it, Changkyun couldn’t help but think that they had only gotten close to him out of an obligation to act like a close-knit group for the managers and the fans. He frowned and wiped at his eyes roughly, hoping to scrub away any remaining tears.

Then again, the look of hurt in Kihyun’s face hadn’t been faked. When he actually thought about it, all of them had expressed guilt and sadness when he brushed away their apologies. They weren’t good enough actors to fake that. Also, Kihyun had stuck with him since overhearing Changkyun’s phone call to his mom. He’d listened to Changkyun’s problems and helped him out—had been a true friend. The same could be said for the rest of his bandmates. Although it had taken Hoseok and Minhyuk longer than the rest, they had all come around eventually. Their acceptance of him couldn’t have been fabricated.

He sighed once again and pressed his face into the pillow as guilt began to eat at him. He had shoved aside their reassurances like they meant nothing to him. Yes, he had been hurt that they hadn’t believed in him, but that was no excuse for him to hurt them in return.

Changkyun squeezed his blanket closer to his chest, as if in an effort to push aside the residual anger and guilt he felt. He didn’t want to be angry at his friends...but he also didn’t want to feel this awful guilt weighing on his chest. There was no way he could face his friends at the moment though.

Sniffling once more, Changkyun began to squirm, tugging the blanket more tightly around himself. He didn’t want to deal with these emotions at the moment. His head was pounding again. His eyes felt grainy from all of the tears. At least the painkillers had diminished the pain in his wrist, he thought with a wry smile.

If he could fall asleep again, he would deal with everything later. He would feel more relaxed after a nap, and he was sure his bandmates would feel the same.

He took a deep breath and tried to relax into sleep, hoping it wasn’t a futile effort. Although his mind raced with unanswered questions and worries, his body was still tired, and he was sure the painkillers had made him a little drowsy. Within minutes, the dark fuzziness of sleep had infringed on his mind and taken him.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's the last chapter! :O   
> I just want to thank everyone for all their kind comments and for leaving kudos on this fic. It really meant a lot to me to have your support! :)  
> I hope you enjoy the last chapter!

When Changkyun awoke from his impromptu nap, it took him a few moments to remember why he was back in bed. With a sigh, he rolled over and then let out a quiet gasp when the bump on his head brushed against his pillow. He stared at the empty bunk across from him for a minute or two while gathering his thoughts.

Another sigh escaped as he reached to the side of his bed with his left arm and fumbled around before his fingers met the cold screen of his phone. He wrapped his fingers around it, pressed the home button, and pulled it up to his face to check the time. He had slept for almost two hours. Now, it was time to face the music.

As he stood, he scrubbed his eyes in an attempt to wake himself up for the second time that morning. He knew he needed to talk to his bandmates. Although he was hurt and his feelings of doubt weren’t completely erased, he had hurt them too with his words and actions. That was something the heavy weight in his stomach wouldn’t allow him to forget.

With yet another sigh, he crossed the room and pulled open the door quietly, still feeling a bit reluctant about the discussion to come. He practically tiptoed down the hallway toward the living room, assuming everyone would still be there. A peek around the corner proved him right. Although they had scattered into positions around the room and were occupied with electronics and reading, no one was missing except for him.

Changkyun stood awkwardly in the edge of the doorway and cleared his throat quietly to capture their attention. When they all spun around to face him, he lowered his gaze as guilt pooled in his stomach once again.

“I—” The lump in his throat made his voice come out garbled, so he coughed again to clear it. “I’m sorry about-about earlier.” He heard a strangled sound from somewhere across the room and hurried to elaborate. “I should have listened to you guys, and I’m sorry for doubting you. And I’m sorry for pushing you guys away.” He didn’t dare to look up from the hardwood floor after his apology, especially when he heard a scoff from Kihyun—he had heard the sound enough times to recognize who it came from by now.

“I feel like I have to tell you this all the time, Changkyun, but you don’t need to apologize for anything!” Although the young rapper could hear the frustration in his friend’s words, he knew it wasn’t directed at him—just at the situation. When the older man stood up and made his way toward him, Changkyun met his gaze and accepted his embrace without hesitation.

“We honestly just want to apologize though, Changkyun.” This time it was Hoseok who spoke up from his place on the couch. “I know I speak for all of us when I say that we’re sorry we didn’t believe you.” As if the honesty in Hoseok’s voice wouldn’t convince him, Jooheon and Minhyuk, who were seated on either side of the older man, nodded vigorously with a gravity that wouldn’t have looked out of place at a funeral.

“We should have known, especially after getting to know you, that you wouldn’t cheat your way into anything,” Hyungwon’s voice soothed what left-over nerves Changkyun seemed to have still been suffering from. The tension eased from his shoulders as Kihyun wrapped an arm around him and pulled him further into the room.

Changkyun let out a quiet chuckle and a protest when Kihyun shooed Jooheon out of his place on the couch in order to make room for Changkyun. At the stern look from their stand-in mother—which reminded him that he really should call his actual mother—he lifted his hands in surrender and lowered himself onto the puffed up cushions.

As soon as he was settled, his arm resting on a throw pillow on his lap, Minhyuk leaned around Hoseok to speak. “We really did mean what we said, Changkyun. We’re sorry that we thought you had been promised to debut, but it also doesn’t matter anymore. We became friends with you because you’re nice and funny and hardworking, and we like you.” Changkyun felt a bit of heat rising in his cheeks at Minhyuk’s words. Although he’d come to realize the truth about their feelings for him, it was still nice to have confirmation.

Kihyun perched himself on the arm of the couch and wrapped his arm around Changkyun’s shoulders again. “You’re just as much a part of this group as anyone else, and we all know it. I know that at first, we weren’t really accepting, but then we got to know you. Even before we talked to the manager, we honestly didn’t care anymore about how you had joined Monsta X. We knew that even if you  _had_  been promised to debut, you wouldn’t have done it unless you had no other choice.” Changkyun leaned further into Kihyun’s side, seeking his friend’s warmth.

“We were all desperate to debut,” Jooheon added, “so we figured that even if you had been promised a spot in Monsta X, we probably would have done the same thing. There wasn’t any reason for us to be mad at you or to treat you like we did. So, yeah, once we got over ourselves and got to know you, we realized that we really do want to be your friends…if you’ll still have us.” The sad puppy look Jooheon sent his way was enough to melt any reservations that may have remained.

“I—of course I want to be your friends. I was just…” Changkyun glanced down at his lap, tracing the lines of plaster in his cast with his left hand. “I was upset that-that you guys thought I had bribed my way in or something. But I also realized that it would have made sense for that to be the case. I was thrown into the competition late with no warning, so of course that’s what it would seem like. I can’t really blame anyone for thinking that way.”

His contemplation earlier and his nap afterward had allowed him to come to terms with how he felt, and he realized that he didn’t really blame the others. He couldn’t. As Changkyun smiled at the group, Hoseok slipped an arm around Changkyun’s waist and leaned into his side, his face lifting into a blinding smile of his own. The young rapper relaxed back into the couch but let out a squeak of alarm when Minhyuk shoved himself into the Hoseok’s side, pressing the four of them closer together while still being careful not to jostle his arm.

With a hurried glance around the room, Changkyun caught Hyunwoo’s gaze and sent a pleading look his way. Their leader only smiled and laughed in response. He couldn’t really say that he was uncomfortable with his current position, so Changkyun simply settled into the warm embrace of his friends with a smile and chuckled to himself quietly.

He knew they would need to meet with the manager later and talk about how his injuries would affect their upcoming debut, but until that time, he would just try his best to ignore his problems. Kihyun began carding his fingers through Changkyun’s hair, and the younger man settled more deeply into the couch and basked in the comforting presence of his friends. There really was nothing he could do until their manager arrived, and he didn’t want to bring it up or even think about it, so he wouldn’t until absolutely necessary.

For the first time in a long while, the group spent their day of freedom relaxing. Their schedules had been cancelled for at least the next few days in order to give Changkyun a chance to heal and their manager time to meet with the executives at Starship.

After putting it off for too long, Changkyun finally made the phone call to his mother, his stomach in knots at the thought of her reaction. His initial attempt to prevent her from worrying actually caused her more concern, followed by a few loud exclamations when he told her what had happened the day before. He just barely managed to talk her out of travelling to Seoul to see him and make sure he was really as well as he had reassured her. With his promises and the promises of his friends when she demanded to speak with them, much to his embarrassment, she relented with reluctance. He promised her he would be careful, and after saying their goodbyes, he rejoined his friends in the living room to pass the time.

The rays of sunlight peaking in through the living room windows had already faded to relative darkness by the time Hoseok, Jooheon, and Minhyuk finished the game they had been absorbed in. Aside from the occasional breaks for painkillers, Changkyun had sat nearby the entire time, watching their progress and cheering them on whenever they solved another puzzle or finished another round. He himself hadn’t played because of the obstacle he was sure his cast would pose.

As the credits rolled across the screen, he was reminded of the time. Pretty soon, their manager would come around to discuss what would be happening with their debut. Each moment felt like an eternity now that he had nothing to focus his attention on.

Kihyun had just decided to begin making dinner when they heard a knock at the front door. They all knew who it would be, and no one was particularly looking forward to the discussion that would follow.

After glancing toward Changkyun, Hyunwoo pushed himself up from the couch and approached the entryway. They heard their leader and their manager greet each other before Hyunwoo entered the room followed by their manager and Kihyun, who must have halted his dinner preparations.

Though all of them rose to greet their manager, Changkyun stood up a little more slowly than the rest, not out of disrespect but out of nervousness. He wasn’t keen on hearing the manager’s news after seeing the man glance at the bruise on his forehead and then attempt to hide his emotions behind a weak smile. Changkyun’s stomach knotted itself up, chasing away any hunger that had taken up residence there earlier. Whatever he had to say didn’t bode well for the group. Of that, Changkyun was sure. His gaze slid to the hardwood floor, unable—or perhaps simply unwilling—to meet their manager’s eyes.

With a suggestion that everyone should take a seat, their manager began what was sure to be a long group meeting. Changkyun crouched, intent on kneeling, but immediately shifted positions when the deep bruises on his knees smarted. “I guess first, we should talk about what will happen with the trainees,” their manager began.

Changkyun nodded and glanced up to meet their manager’s eyes, knowing that the older man would want to speak to him directly, but he himself didn’t say anything quite yet.

“The other guys called me while you were sleeping earlier to tell me what actually happened. I know you’re not exactly in support of their expulsion from the company, but I agree with your bandmates that they need to be punished in some way.” Once again, Changkyun nodded but didn’t speak, knowing that their manager had more to say. “The executives have agreed that we will wait to take action until after receiving your statement. But if we expel them from the company, we’ll follow your wishes and give them a chance to find a new company to train under. We won’t exactly be giving them a glowing recommendation, but they’ll still have a chance to debut in the future. That’s all we can do at this point without contradicting our own rules.” They had all signed contracts when they joined, and Starship would need to abide by those contracts to the best of their abilities.

Changkyun nodded again, accepting that this was the best the company would be able to do as a result of the trainees’ actions. “Thank you, Manager Kim. I know it must have been a lot of extra work and trouble for you, but thank you for taking care of it.” Changkyun gave a bow of gratitude, figuring it wouldn’t be his last of the night.

Their manager nodded back at him before letting out a deep sigh. “I already informed the others when we spoke on the phone earlier, but we looked back at the camera footage of the hallway from yesterday and from the past week.” Changkyun swallowed and glanced around nervously, hoping he wouldn’t bring up what he saw while they had an audience. “The footage from the past week alone is enough evidence to prove that you’re telling the truth if those trainees are stupid enough to lie about the harassment.” Changkyun nodded, knowing their manager’s words to be true, and he felt Kihyun and Hoseok shift slightly closer on either side of him. “It isn’t like anyone can dispute what happened, but I still want to submit your statement to the company so that we have a formal record of the complaint.”

Changkyun bowed his head in acceptance. “I understand.”

“I know it’s only been a day, but if you’re up for it, I’d like to get your statement tonight. If you’re not, don’t worry about it—I can put it off for a few days if necessary.” Changkyun waved away the man’s apologetic tone, hoping he wouldn’t feel bad about the situation. He had been anticipating the impending conversation all day anyway.  

“It’s fine, really,” Changkyun assured him, dipping his head. “I-I can do it now.”

Hyunwoo cleared his throat before speaking. “Manager Kim, if it’s okay with you, and with Changkyun, maybe he could type up his statement later tonight and email it to you.” He glanced between their manager and Changkyun with a questioning look.

Changkyun, too, glanced at their manager to gauge his reaction. He didn’t seem opposed to Hyunwoo’s suggestion. “That’s not a bad idea. If you would be more comfortable with that, Changkyun, I have no problem with it,” he agreed with a nonchalant shrug.  

Changkyun silently thanked Hyunwoo for his foresight and bobbed his head. “I’ll write it and send it tonight then.” At least it wouldn’t be as awkward as giving a written or, worse yet, verbal statement in front of his bandmates. It would also give him some time to think about how much detail he should actually include. With that weight off of his shoulders for the moment, he was able to relax a bit.

A comfortable silence settled over the group for a few seconds before their manager released a quiet sigh. “I’m sure you guys have already discussed this,” he began quietly, looking Changkyun directly in the eyes, “but I— _we all_  want you to know that when you have a problem, you can come to us. You don’t need to handle anything like this alone again, okay?”

Changkyun nodded and smiled weakly at their manager. He knew the older man was right, and the others had certainly driven that point home throughout the day, so it wasn’t something he was likely to forget again. That wasn’t all their manager had come to talk about though. He was still waiting for the other shoe to drop; surely, the worst was yet to come.

“Alright, I know you’ve been waiting to hear about the plans for your debut…” Changkyun tensed, knowing his prediction was about to come true. From the corner of his eye, he saw Jooheon and Hoseok shift forward ever so slightly.

After the phone call that morning, their manager had spoken with the executives about Monsta X’s debut schedule. “Of course, we’re going to have to push back debut for a bit. A couple of weeks is hardly enough time for Changkyun to heal  _and_ be ready for debut schedules.” The young rapper grimaced and shifted guiltily. He had figured that they would have to push it back, and while he of course hoped that he would be able to join the group for their debut performances, he wasn’t happy that the others had to suffer because of the delay.

“Because of the circumstances, we’ll release a simple statement that I.M has been injured, causing debut to be postponed for a few more weeks.” Changkyun swallowed nervously. The fans were already displeased that he had been added to the group, and he was sure they would be upset that it was his fault their debut was being pushed back. He knew better than to say anything though. Due to the circumstances, it was all Starship could do. “We’ll decide on the exact date tomorrow and work on rescheduling and getting the word out to fans. Because we can realistically only spare a few weeks,” their manager turned toward Changkyun, “you’re going to be on light duty until you’ve healed completely—nothing too strenuous and _nothing_  that involves your arm in any way.”

At his words and the sinking feeling in his stomach, Changkyun bit his lip before opening his mouth to respond, but the manager cut him off gently. “Look, I know you’re not happy about that, but we’d rather you heal completely than risk injuring yourself further. You can still join everyone for the rest of the schedules, like recording sessions, appearances, or interviews, but you’re going to need to take it easy. If your doctor gives permission before your cast is removed, you’ll be able to participate in concerts too—as long as you only perform whichever parts of the dances you can without hurting yourself.”

Really though, what was the point? He was going to bring them down. No one went to shows to see injured members stumble through dance moves they couldn’t pull off. In spite of his reservations, Changkyun bowed his head in acceptance and bit his tongue. It was better not to argue at the moment. When the time came, he could try his best to convince their manager and his doctor that he was ready, and hopefully that would be the truth.

From his left, Kihyun wrapped an arm around his shoulders and squeezed, probably sensing his sour mood. Hyunwoo cleared his throat before thanking the manager for coming to speak with them and keeping them in the loop.

As they all stood, their manager promised that they would know more after he met with the executives the next day. “In the meantime, focus on getting better,” he directed toward Changkyun, “and _relax_ ,” he continued, looking around at the rest of the group. The executives had given them a few more days off after hearing about the circumstances behind Changkyun’s injury, and they weren’t about to fight them on it—not with the limited amount of free time they usually had.

After making sure that Changkyun was being properly cared for, which he could see just from taking a quick look around at the other members, Kim said his goodbyes. Just before leaving, he told them that he would come back to their dorm the next night to talk more about their debut plans.

Changkyun made sure to smile at their manager as he left, knowing that the older man was working hard for their sake and doing everything in his power to make sure they were taken care of. Although he was frustrated at the news about their debut and his own lack of duties, he would never dream of taking it out on their manager, who was truly only looking out for Changkyun’s best interests—and that of the group as a whole.

As soon as the door closed behind their manager, the rest of his bandmates turned to look at Changkyun, appraising his mood. He smiled weakly, unable and unwilling to hide his feelings from his friends this time. They wouldn’t want him to. Changkyun couldn’t help but think that he was back where he had started out—causing problems for the group and the company. At this point, he knew Starship wouldn’t cancel their debut because they had already spent too much time and money on the group to let them flop now. That didn’t mean he wasn’t letting his friends down by causing a later debut though. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, looking around at his bandmates, his friends. They had all been so excited to finally get their chance to debut. Everyone had worked so hard to get to this point, and a few seconds of stupidity had put everything on hold. He lowered himself onto the couch with a sigh. “I know it isn’t fair that you have to wait for me to get better before we can debut.”

Kihyun approached with a sad look on his face and shook his head before sitting beside the young rapper. “It’ll be fine, Changkyun,” Kihyun spoke softly, his tone warm and reassuring. “Of course we don’t want to debut any later than planned, but we want you to be there with us when we do. We’re not Monsta X without you.” Changkyun leaned a shoulder against his friend, thankful for his reassurances.

“And besides, what’s a few weeks in the grand scheme of things?” Jooheon winked at him in a weak attempt to cheer him up. “I mean, it sucks, but we’re still debuting together. There’s no reason to worry.” Jooheon didn’t know how right he was. At least their debut hadn’t been cancelled. He wouldn’t be able to keep it together if he failed to debut for a second time. “We have more time to practice now too!”  He nodded in reluctant acceptance. They would need the extra time to rearrange Changkyun’s choreography in order to keep him from straining his arm. He _would_ be ready in time to join them in their first concert, even if he couldn’t dance the full set. He _had_ to be.

“And who knows,” Hoseok cut in, “maybe the fans will be even more excited for our debut after they’ve been forced to wait for it a bit longer.”

Although the older man laughed a bit at his own words, Changkyun shifted uncomfortably, sliding deeper into the plush couch cushions and refusing eye contact. “Or they’ll just hate me even more for delaying everything,” he mumbled. Part of him immediately wishing he hadn’t said anything when he heard Kihyun’s sharp intake of breath from his place beside Changkyun.

 “What?” Jooheon asked with a tone of confusion. “Why would the fans hate you?”

When Changkyun didn’t say anything right away, Hoseok spoke up. “Is it because of what those trainees said?”

Changkyun shook his head. “It’s not just that. I mean, I’ve thought about it some since then, and I’ve read the comments and messages.” He heard Kihyun click his tongue from beside him. “A lot of the fans aren’t exactly pleased that I’m in Monsta X. And now we have to wait to debut because of me.” At the loud noises of protest that erupted around him, Changkyun quickly clarified. “I just mean that they’re going to see it that way. We have to wait to debut because I got injured. The fans are going to be disappointed, and I can’t blame them,” he explained with a frown. He was worried about not only his popularity in the group, but also his standing with the company. If one member was so blatantly disliked by the fans, would they consider pulling him out? It would make sense for them to do so if his presence threatened the success of the group as a whole.

“Changkyun, those trainees were wrong.” The young rapper threw Kihyun a sideways look of disbelief, and the older man hurried on. “I mean, yes, there might be some fans who don’t like you, but there are always fans who don’t like someone in the group. We’ve all come across negative comments about our skills or looks. Someone is always going to be dissatisfied for stupid reasons.” His arm settled over Changkyun’s shoulders and shook him gently.

In his case, though, the way he had joined Monsta X was the main reason for their complaints, and that was something the others didn’t have to worry about.

“Yeah, and there are plenty of fans who do support you, Changkyun,” Hyungwon spoke up from his place across from the couch, clearing his throat before continuing. “If you look at the negative comments, you have to pay attention to the positive ones too. There are plenty of fans who seem to be _pretty_ interested in you,” he told Changkyun with a wink. He laughed quietly at the blush that spread across the younger man’s face.

“Besides,” Hyunwoo spoke up from across the table, “anyone who thinks we aren’t a group, that we’re not all equal members of Monsta X, isn’t a true fan anyway.” Changkyun’s mouth dropped open out of surprise at their normally mild-tempered leader’s declaration and the subsequent nods of agreement from each of his friends. Although he knew they couldn’t really afford to say something like that in public for fear of losing fans, their support chased away some of the anxiety that had settled into his gut. Kihyun and Jooheon pressed themselves against him, and the rest scooted closer to offer what physical support they could—a hand on his knee, a warm back pressed up against his leg.

His gaze was pulled toward Minhyuk, who had begun bouncing slightly in his spot on the floor. “Just wait a few days, Changkyun, and I’m sure you’ll see how much the fans love you. They’ll be going crazy with all their well wishes for your health and our success. You’ll see!” Despite Changkyun’s reservations, Minhyuk’s blinding grin and the warmth around him brought forth a sincere smile as he relaxed into the couch.

“Thanks, guys.” His voice was quiet, but judging from the soft smiles on his friends’ faces, his feelings had shone through.

They would all need to move soon enough to prepare dinner, but for the moment, Changkyun was content to settle back into the couch and his friends’ embrace.

* * *

Minhyuk’s prediction came true not even a full day later. Just as their manager had told them, Starship released a statement about Changkyun’s injuries and the delayed debut the next morning. The youngest rapper waited with sick anticipation to see the insults and the disappointment he knew the fans would express. He couldn’t bring himself to check their social media pages. Although he kept telling himself that he was just following the doctor’s orders to avoid spending too much time staring at the screen, he knew the truth.

The others had no such reservations though. As he sat crouched on the couch, determined not to even glance at his phone, the others seemed glued to their own devices. He couldn’t even look at their faces in case their expressions gave something away.

He heard springs squeak as Kihyun shifted on the couch next to him and turned to see him holding out his phone with a smile. “You should take a look.” Did he really want to see? When Changkyun made no move to accept his phone, Kihyun stretched his arm out further and shook the device at him. Then again, if Kihyun were suggesting it, the comments couldn’t be anything too bad, right? Changkyun swallowed down the sick feeling rising in his throat as he accepted the phone and stared at the screen.

Upon seeing the first few comments, the younger man had to read them a few more times out of confusion. He squinted and brought the phone closer to his face.  

_Monsta X, fighting! We’re waiting patiently for I.M’s recovery!_

_Oh no! I.M, please get better soon! Monbebes are waiting for you <3_

_I’m glad they aren’t rushing debut when I.M is injured. Rest well and recover soon!_

Rather than disappointment, what was most apparent was the fans’ concern for Changkyun’s well-being. Kihyun leaned closer and rested his chin on the younger man’s shoulder when he saw his open-mouthed look of shock.

“We knew they would support you, Changkyun,” he spoke quietly and prodded Changkyun’s shoulder gently. When the young rapper looked up from the screen, he noticed Kihyun’s warm smile and the presence of the rest of his friends, who must have scooted closer when he was distracted.

He glanced back at Kihyun’s phone and scrolled down, reading comments about the fans’ disappointment and their wishes for Changkyun to rest and heal quickly. Aside from the occasional notes of irritation, which he did his best to ignore, the comments reassured him. The fans weren’t angry with him. They didn’t blame him for the delayed debut. And they cared. Some of the comments were exceptionally sweet and heartfelt. A few fans had even drawn cute little get-well cards and cartoons for him.

The god-forsaken lump returned to his throat, but he made no attempt to choke down the tears that came with it. They caused his vision to blur until he couldn’t even read the screen anymore. His sniffles earned a few well-meaning laughs and reassuring pats to his shoulders and legs. He wiped at the tears with his sleeves and laughed with the others at his own response.

“Hey, listen to this one!” Hoseok called out. “‘ _Of course I’m excited for Monsta X’s debut, but I don’t even mind waiting a bit longer if it’s for I.M’s health!_ ’” Hoseok sent Changkyun a ridiculously cheesy wink before continuing. “‘ _I’m so happy they’re giving him plenty of time to recover! If anything, this makes me even more excited for their debut._ ’” Despite knowing that he was giving a dopey smile, Changkyun couldn’t bring himself to care. Their fans were so supportive—how could he have doubted them?

Soon enough, they all got up and started going about the day, catching up on chores, relaxing, and in the case of Jooheon and Changkyun, writing lyrics when they were bored. Occasionally, one of his friends would interrupt whatever Changkyun was doing in order to show him a particularly sweet comment or piece of artwork from a fan.

“Ooh, this one is about all of us!” Minhyuk shouted as he stood up from his chair in excitement and read the comment with a grin. “‘ _I didn’t think it was possible to love Monsta X more than I already did. I was so wrong. They decided that it was more important to wait and take care of their maknae so they could all debut together. What a sweet group! My heart can’t take this! They deserve all of Monbebe’s love!_ ’”

Changkyun, sitting on the floor in front of the couch with his eyes closed, leaned back against Kihyun’s leg, and the older man ran his hands through the young rapper’s hair. It was at that moment that Changkyun fully realized how far they had come as a group. They hadn’t debuted yet, and he was sure they would still have disagreements and not a small amount of stress…

He opened his eyes and looked around at his bandmates, his friends. Kihyun was shouting his indignation about some joking insult Hoseok had shared with Minhyuk. Jooheon and Hyungwon were falling over themselves laughing at the three of them. Hyunwoo was sitting back and watching them all with a fond look in his eyes and a bright smile.

Yes, they were sure to struggle after their debut, but he was sure they would pull through it, no matter what. They were strong. They would make it.

Changkyun laughed at Kihyun’s angry promise that Hoseok could prepare his own food from now on if he was going to continue to insult their precious cook. He shook with mirth at Hoseok’s stuttered reply that there was no reason to be hasty in making such decisions.

“Oi, don’t just laugh,” Hoseok cried out as he looked toward Changkyun with an affronted look. “Help me!” he cried beseechingly. “I’ll never survive without Kihyun’s ramyeon!”

Changkyun cackled and shrugged his shoulders. “You should have thought about that before making fun of him,” he teased, showing no sympathy for his friend’s self-inflicted plight.

Kihyun burst into laughter and hugged Changkyun from behind, calling out, “This is why you’re my favorite child.”

Jooheon’s mouth dropped open at Kihyun’s words. “B-but, mom!” he called out, fake tears gathering in his eyes. “How could you?”

Upon seeing Jooheon’s pouty face, Changkyun dissolved into giggles again and winked at his friend.

He definitely wasn’t looking forward to ‘light duty’ in the coming weeks before their debut. A quick glance around the room was enough to remind him that he would get through it with the help of his friends and their fans. That was all he could ask for.


End file.
